Pee Po Belly Bum Draws.

So, an update in the slow moving and slightly boring life of Melissa.
Kit, my love, the boy/man I fell in love with. Who showed me bubbles and what it was like to giggle insanely at midnight, and hug me and kiss me like I’d never been kissed before. With whom I had such a beautiful relationship with, with whom I shared cheese and toast with during the small hours of the morning. The first person to have seen me naked, to have seen me naked for days on end when the parent left the house to us. What a silly idea that was. My first for love and sex. *sighs*

That’s all over now...

Bollocks.















I don't know how I feel, some times I’m okay, sometimes I am very not okay but most of the time I just feel empty. And that is rather tiring. I can't eat properly else I’m sick to my stomach, I dread sleep because it's in those dark and lonely hours that open the doors to memories of him lying next to me. Him hugging me when he thought I was still asleep. And everything reminds me of him. Even picking my nose! My NOSE! Reminds me of a conversation we had (it was very late at night). I have a small pile of all the things he's given me over our nine months.
I have a bunch of dried flowers a bum told him to give me before he married us. I have a rock he found that matches the freckles on my foot. I have an empty packet of skittles that he gave to me after he had collected all the red ones and taken out all the other colours. I have his pyjamas; I have the boxers he gave me to wear as a hat. I have a hat he gave me but not to wear as boxers. What am I to do?
It seems okay now, even if he's started to send kisses to Helena. But I haven't seen him yet. What am I to do?
I pray to any merciful spirit out there it'll be okay when I see him again. Though I suspect it wont. Maybe it will?
We had love, we had as he put it, 'the real thing, the whole soul mate delio'
We had a house in Canada with 10 dogs and a cat called Archie (short for Anarchy) and a room with mattresses from wall to wall and a sitting room with a view over the mountainside and one of those horrible 70s fire places I was going to nag him about removing.
Now we have an over sized bag with an x-box in it and a collection of games I have not the stomach to finish.
I am left with the suspicion that he still has some of my DVDs he's forgotten are mine, and a fear of the dark.

I still love him, I always will I know that as much as I know he thinks I lied to him. I hope he still has hope for us. I hope he thinks about me often, I hope he's cried like a little girl, just as he promised. I hope he'll try to fight for us just like he said he would.
I hope our house has just been let out.

And there is Alec. Mr rebound, he could almost pass for ginger.
Funny, kind, attentive, smart, witty, flirtatious, good looking (if not a little skinny, but I like that). He fills me full of excitement. I love knowing someone new wants me. And he does want me *laughs* I feel bad. Well, no I feel nothing. But I’m pretty sure I’ll feel bad soon.
I would like to take it slow; I would like to have another relationship. I do not want a relationship. I want a fuck. I really don't know what I want.
I want Kit back, I know I’ll get Kit back. A sleep over, one lingering hug and it will be a night of stolen kisses and giggles. But there isn't going to be a sleep over, not if he leaves the group, and that is imminent. There is no group anymore.
So good riddance to him. Alec shall hug me, Alec shall kiss me and take me to movies and drive me around in his car just like Kit promised to do when he passed his test. He never did get his act together quick enough.

Is it fair to compare?

Alec doesn't know me, he doesn't know me like Kit does, didn't pin me down to that bed and tell me he could see right through me, doesn't have that mad glint in his eye, hasn't told me that he likes to hurt people, that he enjoys hearing me yelling for him to stop.
Will anyone accept, no RELISH me the way I am? As much as Kit did?
Or am I just thinking myself abnormal, special.
'Love is nothing new, I’ve got work to do'
I’m not sure whether I like the idea of me being normal, of me being easily loved. I’d quite like Alec to love me. I wonder if he'd tie me up?
I wonder if he'd like it?
I simply don't know.
Kit is safe, Kit I know, Kit I want.

Not cricket, not cricket at all I say.



In other news, going to see Saw V with Alec on Sunday hopefully.
Really really missing Jess painfully. Not a great time for a best friend to piss off to China.
Had a FANTASTIC day with Michelle and Jaz and Dan and Wednesday and Sam and the other one who I can’t remember. Giving out free hugs. The kind of thing you read about and never do. Well now you can read about me and wish you’d done it too.