Addicted to me.

ah had such a wonderful weekends AWESOME to be honest, utter win and wizardry.
but it also means i am way too tired to talk about it, so i am leaving topic titles which i shall come back to at later dates.

meal on friday night
day with jon
day with Rob.

thats about it.
shall elabourate when i can type without falling asleep on the keyboa\SLDJFH;OAWHROF;\VEWOXNOWEuf'petwhysgo\d/gbmzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzz

okay well carrying on from yesturday.
im sure you're all salavating at the idea of being informed about my weekend.
i'll start with:
Meal on Friday:
it was awesome! totally and utterly! we got into town with Chris, Kit, Beckie McWirter myself Will and Katie (kit was being really horrible to beckie and i told him off seriously, he sulked because he knew i was right but he gave her a hug and she was better, its really not good though, because she is only the way she is because she has no self confidence and she only has no self confidence because she gets the shit ripped out of her and she only gets the shit ripped out of her because of the way she is, she cant help it) anyway, met up with Steve and Andy, gave presents (well, cards. because the presents were non-existant) Steve got really excieted about the Nightwish tickets and Andy (who was hyper aready) squeaked and did a little dance of what i hope was happiness and aprichiation. then on to burgerking because starbucks was full and it was the only place that was warm and non expencive. Kit and i played Will and Katie at Yu-Ghui-Oh and kicked their butts, but that was only because katie was really pre-occupied with her dad who is a fucking psycho bastard! i hate him! on a happier note, WE BUMPED INTO TAHMINA! it was awesome and i realised how much i missed her, i spent ages hugging her and just looking at her really, because well i just did. but i only realised how much untill i'd seen her again. so onwards back to Wills house to dump our bags, watched some of 300 (PIPPA REGAN WANT KISSYWISSY) and then it was time to walk to Pizza Express. got threre and obviously i had to take hand of the group and lead them into the bowls of the restaurant >.<
fuck i had a load more to say but it seems to have disapeared...
what the fuck?
this makes me sad.
ohwell, you dont want to read this shit anyway.
Day With Jon:
next day woke up, Andy was the first to go then chris and i left at 11 together and took the bus to Gloucester. i had to borrow Will's MCR hoodie because Kit had my NMBC one, i'd left it in his bag >.<
what the fuck MORE STUFF MISSING! how is this happening, oh this is NOT hobbycraft!
fuck fuck fuck.
just imagine what happens between meeting Jon and going to see ST Trinians.
it was aweful, utter shit. it relied on pure shock factor to get pittiful laughs and even then it wasnt even that good. it just made me angry. and it had a group of Goths, masquerading as EMOS! it wasnt even the other way round! it tagged them as emos but they were gothic! (but all the steriotypes acted like chavs so it didnt really matter) plus the leading lady (head girl) wasnt strong enough to pull of her character and had to rely on her looking the part. it was just....
ANYWAY.
it was kinda a little bit awkward here and there but only because we were waiting around for the film, and you know how that affects conversation. when we talked we really talked it was nice. then we bumped into my neighbours coming out of the cinema, obviously they though Jon was my boyfriend... it was kinda funny really. oh well. Jon got me a Marylin Manson CD and 'Mars Attacks' for christmas. the CD has Beautiful People on there and MA is okay, but i knew what was going to happen in the end so it kinda ruined it for me.
Day With Rob:
*squeaks and giggles*
okay okay okay, basicly. met him 12:00am outside Wortikas (and he was with Sarah Spencer, a girl from my old school which was so cool, she looked like the grown up version of herself you know what i mean, she just got older her face hadnt changed at all! i squealed alot and danced and hugged) anyway i was wearing that corset/top i bought in Belgum and my cards skirt and my gothcoat, i thought i looked quiet good, but mum though i looked really childish, which made me sad for a bit and made me almost change my mind but then i thought (quiet rightly) what does she know *grins* yeah he looked like a tramp >.< i can never get why he can dress up for crackers in the best metal gear ive seen for ages, and then look like a nerd the next day in a fleece and trainers *shakes head* a fleece i tell you! anyway, i guess its just who he is. he picked up and swung round hugged me which was nice and then he took me by the arm and we began the day. its strange, around him i kinda feel like i can shut up and just let him talk and the conversation will take its corse, i dont feel like i have to perform, or be this extroverted loud girl. he useually has something to talk about, be it 'toy soldiers' as he calls it (war hammer) or how much he hates everything. ahhh he has so much hate its so good, we have a good bitch about alot of things. we talked alot about our families actually, his dad's disabled (his stepfather i presume actually... i think his real dad eiher ran out on him mum, or was an alcoholic and died because he mentioned something about a liver transplant list in one of his rants) but im not sure how much i think wheelchair because it was a car crash that did it. his mum is neurotic aparently *laughs* he said she ruined his life because she used to be a makeup artist for Casualty and so because he knows (through default) about all that sort of thing, he cant ever watch horror movies without thinking 'that bloods the wrong colour for that time of exposiour' or 'it doesnt spurt out of an artery that way' or 'burn wounds dont go like that'. when i said how cool i thought his mum was he replied 'try being a six year old having to answer the door with a latex gun shot in the middle of your forhead' she would practice on him. he said she used to go to gloucester royal casualty when it was raining and take pictures of the crash victims...
i think i picked a good'un.
then we whent to the Angel Chef for chinese, i wasn't impressed, but then when we got in there, the food was suprisingly good! so i ignored the plastic plates and just had a good time. he knew a guy working there which was cool and we chatted to him whilst we waited for our table (which had been booked, i dont know i think thats cool) and then when the waiter came to get us drinks he knoticed my Garra and Lee keychain and was like 'whats that?' i said it was from a cartoon and he goes 'Naruto yes? i have all the books!' of corse i squeeed and Rob said he was happy to have made my day.
then came the real test! it was a serve yourself buffet, FULL of cultural minefields, now i am not bragging in saying i know what to do, but i know that when eating in an oriental restaurant, you DO NOT pick chips and you DO NOT eat with knives and forks, so i followed behind Rob to see what he'd do. anyway he let me pick my bowl and cutlery first and as i whent for the chopsticks he says 'oh thankgod, you can use them can you? finally someone who can eat with chopsticks!' *insert long squee* so after we had a good old bitch about silly people who eat chinese with forks we move onto the food. i stand there thinking if he picks chips im going to cry. he doesnt *phew* and as we sat down he says to me 'im so glad you didnt chose chips' i almost exploded. he'd been testing me on the same things. i told him i would have dumped him right then and there had he chosen chips and he said he understood.
so ensue much eating and laughing and jolity and such. then after the plates have been cleared away he hands me this little box and on opening i find this beautiful necklace. now i knew he was going to get me jewlery, but i could just envision this minimalistic art neuvo piece of shit with a boring sliver of silver and a few studs in it. i dont know what i would have done if it had been like that. but it wasnt. its this really pretty thing, a diamond shape about as big as the pad of your thumb with a big crystal in the middle and little cyrstals in a smaller diamond around it, its silver on a filagree chain and its frilly enough to be gothic (almost victorian), but not enough that its, you know, something i could only wear as a goth, and its just that little bit over the top that it gets sort of knoticed. abit like Rob really. just a bit over the top. i grinned like a stupid person for an age and then said it wouldnt be propour to thank him to the full extent of my gratitude in a public place. he was cool with that.
onto The Golden Compass. the movie theater was packed with small kids, so we had to behave ourselves which was okay, we just held hands and i had my head on his sholder and he had his on my head. the film was okay, not amazing, not dismal, a damn sight better that ST but thats not saying ANYTHING. i think i would have liked it less had i read the book, Rob said it was nothing like it. but Nichole Kidman was good and the girl playing Lyra was alright, nothing special and still very much a child actor.
we got out of the movie with ages to go till my parents came to collect me so Rob suggested we go to his local haunt 'The Pig in the City'. its down past burger star and its awesome! its really empty exept the small collection of bikers and metal heads in the back corner singing really loudly to Queen 'Fat Bottom Girls' which was playing from the 'country juke box' which had (Rob assured me) only one country song on it, the rest was Metalica and Queen. we sat next to the metal heads in a sort of tavernesque room with a pool table in the middle and empty wooden beer barels serving as tables for the people stood up playing pool. we were sat at a table in the corner on a long wooden bench. i had half a pint of Hobb Goblin (ale) which is Robs favourite drink and its quiet passable, considering i dont like beer. Though i had to be careful not to reveal the fact that after a few mouthfuls, the warm tingely feeling was spreading up my legs and everything was becoming that much funnier. i didnt have a second glass.
i met two of his friends Monkey and another guy i cant remember the name of. noone knows why everyone calls him Monkey, they just do. i didnt even get his real name. but he was tall and gangely and really good at pool. aparently he'd spent most of his life around a pool table. so he beat Rob and me at a game. he was really nice sort of quiet not particularly funny, he looked like a goth version of Mousey (matrix obviously). then with half an hour to kill we left just as the band had begun to play and Rob said they did goth nights every first friday of the month. we had to get to the cathederal and Rob said he knew a different way. we walked under the moon through some really beautiful deralict buildings before he realised he was talking bollocks and he had no idea how to get there. but the buildings were amazing. the kind of beautiful that old drain pipes are, crawling up the side of grey flats. we went under a sort of tunnle and Rob started laughing and he told me about the time they played paintball around the buildings.
then we got to Pitt street and all the benches were freezing cold and wet so we had to stand up.
we hadn't kissed propourly all day, it was nice that we had managed that really. we'd esentially just been talking for six hours. so yeah. he smelt so good. of smoke and you know, skin i guess. we kinda got abit carried away and got yelled at by a couple of chavs but you know, they were just jealous :P
he was kinda pushy, but i dont think i minded. its kinda nice to be the female in a relationship for once ¬_¬
i got a bit frustrated because i think he doesnt like biting, so i didnt but then he bite me really hard (i have a mark, my parents are not impressed but fuck 'em, i like it) and i got all confused... i have to look into this. then my dad turned up and he came along to say hi. he shook dads hand which dad liked and then left.
i probably wont be seeing him for ages but i dont mind. he said i can cheet on him as much as i want as long as i dont bring it into the relationship, which i think is great. he also said that the best realtionship he had was one were he and his boyfriend were actually cheating on each other with the same person and none of them knew till months later!
it made me laugh.
i like him alot. i even got some Will feelings when i was around him which was good.
Today:
wow it's christmas eve, didnt see that one coming! i got up and my little sister bounced up to me and was like 'mel its christmas tomorrow!' and i was all like 'WOAH really!?' it doesnt feel like it at all. its strange. but im okay with it, im looking forward to it being over. i really dont like it.
i dont know whats going on in my family right now, its got to the point were i dont think i can remember what it was like when my parents didnt hate each other. this cloud thats decided to rain over the house seems to have tainted everything. i am not looking forward to christmas.
my dad is angry for some unknown reason. as always and i was just angry at him it wasnt fair, the irony of the situation was if i hadnt been the one cleaning the table at time i wouldnt have got shouted at. so i decided i was going to prevoke him. i think this was the first time i have activly decided to do so, and it was so easy. and i just.
i want us to be a happy family again.
but i cant ever remember if we were one?

My Summer of Love (also known as the virgin suicides)

basicly just re-read what i said about the virgin suicides. i dont know why i watched it. i knew it would be exactly the same. but no. oh well in my defence i was bored and had nothing better to do. dear lord it was so shit. okay perhapes not as bad as VS but definatly along the same lines. i even knew what was going to happen.
its VS for the more hardcore psudointerlectuals.
boring boring boring.
jess and i have a more convincing lesbian relationship than that.
*sigh*
it just makes me angry you know. and it wasnt even a bad film its just the fact that it was heralded as 'easily the best film of the year' and it got so many awards for basicly not making a big deal about big deals and cramming as many lingering-on-beautiful-solitary-scenary shots as possible. not to mention the focusing on middle distance eyes flicker to the top left glances from both the girls.

in other news, having great fun in Sheffield. no really i actualy am. spent the day shopping, got a new phone (the samsung j600) its so pretty! and i took a really nice picture of my brother with it and its my background now. we went around alot of goth shops but... im having a bit of an identity crisis here, and i cant really be bothered to go into it in much detail, but i feel like. i dress like i do to go against convention blablabla, but all im doing is just conforming to a different set of conventions. and yes i know wow mel it took you that long to realise. well no, it just didnt bother me. it all seems so fake. so contrived, so easy to be a goth now. just go in the shop with three more of your carbon copie hardcore emo girlfriends (who youve 'kissed' whilst drunk at parties and giggle about it) and buy with your white middle class money a coat that says that you have a desire to go against what society tells you to do.
its just.
it makes me want to cry you know.
but i dont have the energy.
im pulling out.
ive had enough.
fuck goth, fuck it. its nothing. its not anything anymore. like punk its dead. its not coming back and here i am born to the wrong era, pining after the shadow of something that never really existed for me. i need to go back to Camden. i need my booster of genuine to fight off this mass produced bollocks.

got a text from Squiggely today, asking me if i liked shiney sparkely things.
im going to make him a mix CD for christmas. it shall have a song for each of the things we talk about... that doesnt make sence... we talked about music alot on our first date (first getting together outside crackers) so im putting a song on there from every band that we both like.
and the avril lavine girlfriend song (illegaly downloaded of corse, bugger me if im going to give her a PENNY of my money) because well it signifies alot... pfht.

so yeah, this is Melissa, nolonger the happiest goth.
floundering in the turmoil that is realised denial.
remembering the sad expression of disgust she caught on her own face as she walked by a mirror in another un-namable and un-unique conveyor-belt goth store.

The Perfect Partner.

okay, dont read this (ha like thats going to deter you?) but yeah this is the first time ive really sat down and thought, what do i look for in someone else?
well, obviously negating soul mates and stuff like that (my soul mate is going to be a chav i just know it ¬_¬) this seems to be my general formula. (that noone so far has matched up to damn my taste in men, in practice!) i guess my views are just like communism.

in theory they have to be passionate, i mean really passionate about things im passionate about or atleast similar things, so have a strong oppinion on music and/or art 'politics' ethics, the meaning of life etc. basicly understanding that for me one of the most attractive things someone can do is disagree with me and then provide a decent argument to back themselves up. they have to know (or atleast be able to bullshit enough so it seems like it) what they are talking about. im not picky on the looks side at all if the first point is met, however an afinity to black does come in handy. i'd like it if they shared my basic ideals though (like individualism is really really important, as is free speach and a hatred for certain rules and a disregard for social expectations etc (look at me being pretentious). i find 'geeks' REALLY attractive i have no idea why!? *weeps* im not sure if its just a bi-product of the kind of people i tend to talk to but all of my exs have been computer/gaming freaks. uhm, yeah thats kinda it, i want to have a lot of respect for them (which was a problem with Will, its harsh, but true) and its probably not healthy for me but if they scare me its also great. huray for the adrenylin rush.

Mass Produced.

*grins inainly*
i mades it myself!

Non-Conforming Yo Ass!

have decided to try new look, to break away from the conveyor belt gothic look.
though it shall obviously pain me to do so.
however this idea has the feeling of a 'something that i am obsessed with for about three days' feel about it, so just humour me here and you know, go with it.

my new look:

on head: Tartan trilby
hair: Cut shorter and dyed dark green (mum said she'd let me)
face: not too sure what make up? possibly just staying the same or really reall big eyeshadow blusher etc
necklace: hancuff keys *grins*
top: one of my hand made ones with a black mens smart shirt over the top
trousers: black jeans (loose or tight) held up with red braces
shoes: optional :P

mmhhh, i cant see this happening any time in the near future, but i can dream.
and i shall end on this note:
i *heart* my tartan trilby!