mistaken but not to be forgotten

i was half way through writing this encounter with Rob to a friend, until i realised they had asked for an account of a different night, i spent too long on this to just delete it, I'll just leave it here for my long cold lonely nights :P


he was very pretty actually, he was my height (quiet small i guess) with hair past his sholders in a ponytail.i saw him on the way in and clocked him as someone i'd quiet like to meet, not really knowing that in about three hours i would have met him and more. he was a friend of a friend of a firend (so handy to have connections *laughs*) and in the club we started attempting to chat about his ultraviolet nail varnish (outside I'd commented on how our nails had matched (both being painted black)) but inside the club, they whent white because of the lights. he'd demonstrate this by putting his fingers underneath the shadow cast by my breasts *laughs* i was in one of my beloved corsets. and well i guess the fact that each time he demonstrated to someone his glowing nails, his fingers got closer and closer to my body, i should have known what was coming, but having gone to an all girls highs school, i was not exactly versed in the inept fumbleings of teenaged boys. we chatted some more, or as much as the loud music allowed but nothing more. and then this song came on called 'Halo'. it's a heavy metal song with the usual contradicting lyrics of hatred and lust in the chorus such as 'i will stone you tone you, wrap my arms around you' and well i'm not one to pass up an excuse to, well, playfully show off. so he did indeed wrap his arms around me and he pulled me so close i could smell the smoke on his shirt. we hugged tight, bodies pushed up against each other from neck to thigh and somewhere between that hug and the end of the song, we were kissing, quiet heavily. i felt like a bit of a slut, but i kind of liked it too. it thrilled me to know that someone who'd known me for all of maybe an hour wanted me. we broke off, i think i must have been breathing quiet hard, the next song had started and he asked me if i wanted a drink. lead me by the hand like a real gentleman to a small dark corner

Still tired, not much has changed.

it's been ages since i've blogged, i just haven't. i've been writing in my diary a bit and well it's mostly full of lovey dovey shite about how much I'm in love with Kit, and well if you've worn me down enough to get me to send you a link to this, hi Kit, i love you.
it's strange thinking that Rob was last Christmas... *laughs* I'm so used to measuring time in boyfriends that an 8 month gap has really messed with my perception. it only seems a few months ago i was grinding up against that long win-haired boy in a smokey seedy 'club'. and i mean it's been well over a year since Will (we don't think about Grant). a lot of shit has gone down as they say but i'm far too tired to talk about it. school is good, well lessons anyway, i'm fighting back the feeling that socially i have become a spare part, a pin holding together a bone that has now fused together and no longer needs me. Katie has Joe now, and feels awkward around me because of Kit i assume. I'm not sure if she likes Kit or likes the idea of having lost him... does that make sense. Jess and i are getting on a lot better, but Michelle and i barely talk. Kit is being a 'cool kid' and as much as i identify with his wishes to be part of a society he has as any geek has looked into and been fascinated by. but i feel like some sort of fucking lap dog, sat obediently by his side, talking to 'the cool kids' simply because i have no one left but him to give me this attention that i crave, as the below-average-borderline i am.
house drama is going to be a feat, and some times i get a great feeling of despair and think there is NO WAY i can put in the amount of work needed... and other times i feel i can take it.
it depends on my mood which lately has been rather unstable.
i have a new phone now, which makes me intensely sad, i've lost all of my numbers and pictures and videos and... everything. i wont ever see my picture of the empty office again, or the graffiti pillars, or the picture of ultimate win (Chris with Jess's bra). but, well, i don't know again tiredness outweighs my caring.
talking about Chris we had a wonderful conversation today, about love and it makes me wonder if love really is quiet easily attainable? but yes no deep thoughts for me, its not normal. i will only think about how nice it felt having a one to one conversation with him.
NickleBack tomorrow, i hope it goes well.
maybe I'll start writing regularly in here again, it does seem to be a rather easy habit to slip back into, but then again typing to myself inst that different from talking to myself and the lord knows i do that enough.

im not crazy.

Corsets for Kit.