Books:
Choke - Chuck Palahniuk
On the Road - Jack Kerouac
Running With Scissors - Augusten Burroughs
Music:
Prince Charming - Adam and the Ants
Who Killed Amanda Plamer - Amanda Palmer
Film:
Withnail and I
Running With Scissors
In Bruges
Comics:
Deadenders
American Virgin
DMZ
Doom Patrol
The Dreaming
Enigma
The Filth
Heavy Liquid
The Invisibles
It's a Bird...
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Saturday, November 22, 2008
This Weekend.
*sighs happily*
i thought this weekend was going to suck, how very very wonderfully wrong i was!
Friday night was fantastic and i enjoyed spending some quality time with Jaz and Michelle. i thought that going over to Jazz's was going to be so awkward but it wasn't AT ALL! he is so lovely, we just chatted the whole time about everything and he told me some really intimate things that i am honored to know. they're not particularly deep, nor are they prolific, but they were things that he was a little ashamed of and the fact that he felt he could share them was wonderful. i drew a picture of us two on his wall ^^ he was so nice to me and complimentary and we talked about the period where we both liked each other, and he does the cutest thing where he uses me as a base to compare other girls with. every single girl he talked about was 'well, she's kind of like you but...' which i took as a great compliment. then we got into town early and had drinks with Andy and Steve and that was awesome, i felt so 'grown up'. it's a little like sex really. it's hyped up so much and it's only really good when you realize it's actually not that big a deal. but there was this very cute guy there who recognized my costume and spent about 10 minutes talking to us about his experience of the 80s. and i got hit on by his friend when i went to get the drinks, eh actually said 'have i seen you around here before, because i recognize you' *laughs* his name was Ben. then we got to the party and well... the less said about that the better *sighs* it just wasn't my thing i guess. so Jaz Michelle and I went for some air and ended up having an amazing conversation. it's one thing being able to share something with a best friend, but being in a group of more than two, really feels special, i have no idea why. i feel so much closer to Jaz now and he was texting me today which was lovely. he kept complaining about how we never talk anymore so we have decided to set aside some credit especially for each other. then back to Tahmina's i was so nervous because she had Sarah Barns there and another Sarah, i think Smith. anyway i had nothing to worry about, they were both very lovely and to be honest we fell asleep way to fast for there to be any awkward moments. the next morning the two Sarahs left at eight, EIGHT! so it was just Tahmina and i and i was even more scared about that then i was of sleeping over, what if we didn't know what to say. but we did, it was like seeing Livvie again, it just slotted into place again. i planned to leave quite early I'd rather not give the awkward silences time to develop. but the clock kept on ticking and we just kept on talking, nine, ten, eleven, then i had a shower and really meant to leave but then her mum came downstairs and we sat with us and chatted like a real teenager *laughs* then i stayed for lunch and i gave Tahmina's mum a recipe for a roast dinner and i felt so adult, you know swapping cooking tips *giggles* so it was half two by the time i got out of Tahmina's house and i was full on Pizza. then to Wortikas where i slept and read and things which was good. then to cheltenham for 6 and i forgot they were turning on the lights so there were people EVERYWHERE, not just people but children too! i met Franchesca and she showed me a stall that sold more fake plugs and i know i shouldn't have and i cant really afford it but i bought a new one anyway. then i sat in Starbucks and this very very cute waiter cleared my table and chatted to me for a little while. i sat there for about two hours i think, just watching people through the window, and cute waiter guy came back again and commented on me still being there and we chatted some more about being overworked and feet hurting and the like. then i met with Alec, wonderful lovely Alec. who just so happens t be wonderful and lovely. we went to see Choke (but were so busy talking we forgot it was on and missed the first 10 minutes, oops). Choke was... strange. it had this i don't know, teen movie vulgarity that i didn't like at all, but then it had Chuck's usual monologues over the top and Morticia played the mother which was great. and the twists... the many MANY twists at the end were good. it was actually very very sad, and i hope to watch it better on my own. then back to Alec's HURRAY! thank god eventually i went to his! though i didn't get to see his room because we didn't want to wake his parents. he has a huge dog called George who is deaf and going blind, so he doesn't jump up because he can't see yo and he doesn't brak because he can't hear himself. which i can't help thinking makes him the best dog in the world. then we went to Alec's sort of conservatory and we had mugs of tea and a gas fire thing going and we had sex on a wikka sofa type thing which was interesting. but it was wonderful because it was brilliant, i felt not a jot of guilt, i didn't even wish it was Kit. i was happy that it was Alec. and he was so lovely, it kind of just happened which was nice though we knew it would happen if that makes sense. then after he got out his guitar and sang me loads of songs he really is very good at guitar, and his singing Irish accent is adorable. he's very sexy in a sort of cute way. then it was time he took me home and when i protested he simply picked me up and carried me out, which i thought was impressive, he really is very strong. anyway back to mine i invited him in and we had sex again on my bed *laughs* i've lost my glasses. i had to use the condom i got from Wychwood, because i want to be sensible about this and the fact is, i don't know what i could catch off of him yet. Mel is having safe sex *laughs* yeah, so that was awesome, again no guilt for having him in the same bed that i had Kit in, though i do have a little now. i'm not sure wether it'll hit me that we've actually had sex. it makes it normal now, if that makes any sense, i have now had sex with more than one person. it's very different and i like that, i'll spare you the details but yeah. anyway then we chatted for a bit but he had to go as he has work at eight am. i then downed a bit of baileys which is why this is so badly structured and now i am going to boil myself and egg an then go to sleep. i am very happy. and i like Alec a lot.
a lot a lot. hu-fucking-ray for this wonderful weekend, i can not wait for nest next Friday and going to the pig again or something ^^
i love you Michelle and Jess!
:Edit: and my beautiful Livvie, even though you are persisting to remain half a world away *grins*:
i thought this weekend was going to suck, how very very wonderfully wrong i was!
Friday night was fantastic and i enjoyed spending some quality time with Jaz and Michelle. i thought that going over to Jazz's was going to be so awkward but it wasn't AT ALL! he is so lovely, we just chatted the whole time about everything and he told me some really intimate things that i am honored to know. they're not particularly deep, nor are they prolific, but they were things that he was a little ashamed of and the fact that he felt he could share them was wonderful. i drew a picture of us two on his wall ^^ he was so nice to me and complimentary and we talked about the period where we both liked each other, and he does the cutest thing where he uses me as a base to compare other girls with. every single girl he talked about was 'well, she's kind of like you but...' which i took as a great compliment. then we got into town early and had drinks with Andy and Steve and that was awesome, i felt so 'grown up'. it's a little like sex really. it's hyped up so much and it's only really good when you realize it's actually not that big a deal. but there was this very cute guy there who recognized my costume and spent about 10 minutes talking to us about his experience of the 80s. and i got hit on by his friend when i went to get the drinks, eh actually said 'have i seen you around here before, because i recognize you' *laughs* his name was Ben. then we got to the party and well... the less said about that the better *sighs* it just wasn't my thing i guess. so Jaz Michelle and I went for some air and ended up having an amazing conversation. it's one thing being able to share something with a best friend, but being in a group of more than two, really feels special, i have no idea why. i feel so much closer to Jaz now and he was texting me today which was lovely. he kept complaining about how we never talk anymore so we have decided to set aside some credit especially for each other. then back to Tahmina's i was so nervous because she had Sarah Barns there and another Sarah, i think Smith. anyway i had nothing to worry about, they were both very lovely and to be honest we fell asleep way to fast for there to be any awkward moments. the next morning the two Sarahs left at eight, EIGHT! so it was just Tahmina and i and i was even more scared about that then i was of sleeping over, what if we didn't know what to say. but we did, it was like seeing Livvie again, it just slotted into place again. i planned to leave quite early I'd rather not give the awkward silences time to develop. but the clock kept on ticking and we just kept on talking, nine, ten, eleven, then i had a shower and really meant to leave but then her mum came downstairs and we sat with us and chatted like a real teenager *laughs* then i stayed for lunch and i gave Tahmina's mum a recipe for a roast dinner and i felt so adult, you know swapping cooking tips *giggles* so it was half two by the time i got out of Tahmina's house and i was full on Pizza. then to Wortikas where i slept and read and things which was good. then to cheltenham for 6 and i forgot they were turning on the lights so there were people EVERYWHERE, not just people but children too! i met Franchesca and she showed me a stall that sold more fake plugs and i know i shouldn't have and i cant really afford it but i bought a new one anyway. then i sat in Starbucks and this very very cute waiter cleared my table and chatted to me for a little while. i sat there for about two hours i think, just watching people through the window, and cute waiter guy came back again and commented on me still being there and we chatted some more about being overworked and feet hurting and the like. then i met with Alec, wonderful lovely Alec. who just so happens t be wonderful and lovely. we went to see Choke (but were so busy talking we forgot it was on and missed the first 10 minutes, oops). Choke was... strange. it had this i don't know, teen movie vulgarity that i didn't like at all, but then it had Chuck's usual monologues over the top and Morticia played the mother which was great. and the twists... the many MANY twists at the end were good. it was actually very very sad, and i hope to watch it better on my own. then back to Alec's HURRAY! thank god eventually i went to his! though i didn't get to see his room because we didn't want to wake his parents. he has a huge dog called George who is deaf and going blind, so he doesn't jump up because he can't see yo and he doesn't brak because he can't hear himself. which i can't help thinking makes him the best dog in the world. then we went to Alec's sort of conservatory and we had mugs of tea and a gas fire thing going and we had sex on a wikka sofa type thing which was interesting. but it was wonderful because it was brilliant, i felt not a jot of guilt, i didn't even wish it was Kit. i was happy that it was Alec. and he was so lovely, it kind of just happened which was nice though we knew it would happen if that makes sense. then after he got out his guitar and sang me loads of songs he really is very good at guitar, and his singing Irish accent is adorable. he's very sexy in a sort of cute way. then it was time he took me home and when i protested he simply picked me up and carried me out, which i thought was impressive, he really is very strong. anyway back to mine i invited him in and we had sex again on my bed *laughs* i've lost my glasses. i had to use the condom i got from Wychwood, because i want to be sensible about this and the fact is, i don't know what i could catch off of him yet. Mel is having safe sex *laughs* yeah, so that was awesome, again no guilt for having him in the same bed that i had Kit in, though i do have a little now. i'm not sure wether it'll hit me that we've actually had sex. it makes it normal now, if that makes any sense, i have now had sex with more than one person. it's very different and i like that, i'll spare you the details but yeah. anyway then we chatted for a bit but he had to go as he has work at eight am. i then downed a bit of baileys which is why this is so badly structured and now i am going to boil myself and egg an then go to sleep. i am very happy. and i like Alec a lot.
a lot a lot. hu-fucking-ray for this wonderful weekend, i can not wait for nest next Friday and going to the pig again or something ^^
i love you Michelle and Jess!
:Edit: and my beautiful Livvie, even though you are persisting to remain half a world away *grins*:
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Adam Ant.
These are some pictures of my Adam Ant costume.
it's awesome and fun and i love it ^^
the jacket, trousers and boots are my mums, the shirt is mine and the hankies are mine as well.
I'm wearing my pirate shirt but you can't really see it and the make up you can't see either but it's great i assure you *laughs*
i've bound my breasts too, and i can't really breath. may have to re-think that one >.<
Saturday, November 08, 2008
Bacon.
as the stench of burnt bacon fills my nostrils i wonder when the hurting is going to stop. we had bacon and avocado sandwiches for lunch and i couldn't eat it because the very smell made me sick to my stomach. the last time i had a bacon sandwich was when Kit and I had the house to ourselves. i asked him if i could help him and he said i could cut a tomato to put in his sandwich, i already had and he told me he that he loved me. i think i have resigned myself to the idea that we are not going to get back together and i wonder when that is going to stop making me want to off myself. *laughs*.
i love him so much.
i don't want to be alone tonight.
i love him so much.
i don't want to be alone tonight.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Saw V and Alec.
Consuming the left over apple crumble (who's age i do not want to think about for too long) i contemplate the happenings of today.
Saw Jess aaaaahh that was lovely, god i missed her. it was funny i dreamt of seeing her again the night before and we hugged exactly the way we did in the dream.
it was lovely and though i was a little jealous Jess had spent this amazing time away from me i was more happy she'd had an amazing time.
i was a little nervous about meeting Alec, but it's funny, not THAT nervous, no more than, well actually not really at all, which was a nice feeling. i bought Postsecret and it's fantastic!
i read it sat in Starbucks and had a little cry at one of the pages that had a postcard with 'what hurts more than loosing you... is knowing you're not fighting to keep me.' written on it. *shivers* not nice, though amazing that someone has the exact same thoughts as me. then i finished it and was kicked out of Starbucks so made my way to the cinema to meet Alec.
he rang me to find out where i was and it's funny, that was the first time i heard his voice, it was nice. we had a bit of a sitcom moment when he said 'see you soon' and i replied 'you too'. i have no idea what i was thinking but he laughed and hung up. seeing him was nice he looked pretty much how i thought he would, skinny very tall, amazing blue eyes though as in, arian wet dream/swim in the ocean/clear as the sky blue eyes. he smelt of cigarettes and car air freshener and lynx which was brilliant. god i love that smell. we started talking straight away and i did my usual trick of blathering on about everything and anything until the awkwardness went away. i told him i was sorry i looked like a dominatrix dyke. he laughed. before we knew it we had to rush down and get our tickets because we'd talked over time, getting in the cinema i chose to sit at the back and we chatted some more and tried to remember what the other Saws had been about. no arms round shoulders, no stroking of knees, just good clean fun and conversation.
Saw was a little disappointing but it was very much setting up for Saw V| and the gore was satisfying, i had to make sure i didn't laugh at the inappropriate moments.
he hugged me and grabbed my shoulders when a particularly gruesome bit came up and i squealed, and maybe he lingered there a little too long for friends before letting go, but i didn't mind.
then the car journey home. i've always thought of car journeys with over 20's (as in Alec and Jude) to be a bit weird, sort of going to a college party and still being at high school, just not my territory, a glimpse of a promised life. but it was different to Jude's car journeys. this was much less i don't know. Jude never really talks in the car and Alec and i talked all the way home. i flicked through his music and even had a go at him for some of it which was funny. we started asking each other riddles and that was a lot of fun, he's a great logical thinker. then we got back to my house and stayed in the car. we must have gotten back at about... 9 it was 12 by the time i got out *laughs* we talked about lots of things, he's clever but defiantly from Gloucester, if that makes sense, he doesn't like Chinese and has never eaten with chopsticks put it that way. but, at about 11, i was talking about how my hair was very short at the back and i said he could feel it and he took my head in his hands and started playing with my hair and we ended up kissing. kissing a lot. *sighs* he was very very very gentle, which was okay i guess, i felt like i might break him though if i let myself off guard. but when he got into it he was more forceful. once i got over the initial 'i wish this were kit i wish this were kit' it was nice. laid back and easy going, just really chilled. but he had this habit of stroking my face and holding my hand and it made me a little uncomfortable, because that made it very sort of, loving and intimate and I'm not okay with that yet. but as soon as we sort of stopped and laughed a bit, it was better again.
i miss him a bit already and god i did not want to get out of that car. it was so nice having that sort of date kissing, that can't lead to sex even though you know it would if we were in more of a convenient position.
oh well we had fun and he was very complimentary of my body which was much appreciated (though he did poke fun at my ankle pride).
he walked me to my door and there was lots of hugging.
i still miss Kit but i think i can separate them in my mind, or at least i hope i can.
I'm seeing him again soon and he didn't ask me out, which is a good thing, hurray!
Saw Jess aaaaahh that was lovely, god i missed her. it was funny i dreamt of seeing her again the night before and we hugged exactly the way we did in the dream.
it was lovely and though i was a little jealous Jess had spent this amazing time away from me i was more happy she'd had an amazing time.
i was a little nervous about meeting Alec, but it's funny, not THAT nervous, no more than, well actually not really at all, which was a nice feeling. i bought Postsecret and it's fantastic!
i read it sat in Starbucks and had a little cry at one of the pages that had a postcard with 'what hurts more than loosing you... is knowing you're not fighting to keep me.' written on it. *shivers* not nice, though amazing that someone has the exact same thoughts as me. then i finished it and was kicked out of Starbucks so made my way to the cinema to meet Alec.
he rang me to find out where i was and it's funny, that was the first time i heard his voice, it was nice. we had a bit of a sitcom moment when he said 'see you soon' and i replied 'you too'. i have no idea what i was thinking but he laughed and hung up. seeing him was nice he looked pretty much how i thought he would, skinny very tall, amazing blue eyes though as in, arian wet dream/swim in the ocean/clear as the sky blue eyes. he smelt of cigarettes and car air freshener and lynx which was brilliant. god i love that smell. we started talking straight away and i did my usual trick of blathering on about everything and anything until the awkwardness went away. i told him i was sorry i looked like a dominatrix dyke. he laughed. before we knew it we had to rush down and get our tickets because we'd talked over time, getting in the cinema i chose to sit at the back and we chatted some more and tried to remember what the other Saws had been about. no arms round shoulders, no stroking of knees, just good clean fun and conversation.
Saw was a little disappointing but it was very much setting up for Saw V| and the gore was satisfying, i had to make sure i didn't laugh at the inappropriate moments.
he hugged me and grabbed my shoulders when a particularly gruesome bit came up and i squealed, and maybe he lingered there a little too long for friends before letting go, but i didn't mind.
then the car journey home. i've always thought of car journeys with over 20's (as in Alec and Jude) to be a bit weird, sort of going to a college party and still being at high school, just not my territory, a glimpse of a promised life. but it was different to Jude's car journeys. this was much less i don't know. Jude never really talks in the car and Alec and i talked all the way home. i flicked through his music and even had a go at him for some of it which was funny. we started asking each other riddles and that was a lot of fun, he's a great logical thinker. then we got back to my house and stayed in the car. we must have gotten back at about... 9 it was 12 by the time i got out *laughs* we talked about lots of things, he's clever but defiantly from Gloucester, if that makes sense, he doesn't like Chinese and has never eaten with chopsticks put it that way. but, at about 11, i was talking about how my hair was very short at the back and i said he could feel it and he took my head in his hands and started playing with my hair and we ended up kissing. kissing a lot. *sighs* he was very very very gentle, which was okay i guess, i felt like i might break him though if i let myself off guard. but when he got into it he was more forceful. once i got over the initial 'i wish this were kit i wish this were kit' it was nice. laid back and easy going, just really chilled. but he had this habit of stroking my face and holding my hand and it made me a little uncomfortable, because that made it very sort of, loving and intimate and I'm not okay with that yet. but as soon as we sort of stopped and laughed a bit, it was better again.
i miss him a bit already and god i did not want to get out of that car. it was so nice having that sort of date kissing, that can't lead to sex even though you know it would if we were in more of a convenient position.
oh well we had fun and he was very complimentary of my body which was much appreciated (though he did poke fun at my ankle pride).
he walked me to my door and there was lots of hugging.
i still miss Kit but i think i can separate them in my mind, or at least i hope i can.
I'm seeing him again soon and he didn't ask me out, which is a good thing, hurray!
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