Tampons

what a wonderful title! i shall come to that topic later, first i think i have some explaining to do...
i have been acting strangely lately, to tell you the truth i dont know why and i am again going to blame hormones... and well other stuff but that is for me and me only.
okay well i havent updated for ages so i have alot to say and well there is alot going on right now so that also adds to volume.
okay well first comes: D of E omg i cant belive thats tomorrow! oh god im sort of a little worried and im also in denial, i refuse to belive that it is tomorrow, the only thing thats happening tomorrow is monday! it cant be D of E not yet! gahh, the thing is i work my best when i am under stress and on my period and i have both now and this leads on to the delightfull title... i have my period over my d of e grrrrrr could my body have picked a worse time!? i decided i was going to try out tampons but uhg grosssss ew ew ew ew ewewewewewewew! yuck yuck i bottled it no way am i shoving anything up there any time soon! uhg twas horrible and scary and yuck!
anyway, as i was saying because im so stressed and on my period miraculously i have managed to get myself sorted out! and to those who know me and how very disorganised i am they will aprichiate the magnatude of this event! i have actualy on my own sorted myself out and i am proud :D
so thats out of the way...
next: family, i actualy found out i was happy to see my dad home! huge huge huge! he walked in and i thought yey hes home! wtf is up with that, perhapes my dad and i are only people that get on if we dont live together, maybe when i move out we will be the best of friends? another wierd thing in family my little sister: i really dont like her most of the time but today she came into my bedroom and put on that voice where you just know that she is about to ask you for something and she goes 'mel i know youll probaly say no but can i borrow some of your music' and i just though FANTASTIC! and i laughed and gave her MCR and told her to play it as loud as she could.
i came in later to see her dancing around with her little home made cerial box guitar to 'this mirror aint big enough...' on full volume and my brother was having a go at her for playing it too loud ku ku ku and she just yelled at him 'mel let me borrow them so there and anyway im her minion!' and then slammed her door on him uhg she is 7 going on 15 i swear! and i mean where the hell did she learn the word minion!?
ohh ohh and you will never guess who i bumped into on my way out of clarinet....RYAN! woohoo lalalala i was so happy! i was packing up and staring out of the window looking for him actualy and well the other side of the window is mirrored so he walked by and in a jess like fashion just checked in the window/mirror and then saw me inside and sort of recognised me and walked off, but then he shot back obviously realisisng who he half recognised in the window he looked really suprised and he grinned at me and i waved and then rushed out to meet him.
twas sweet we chatted for abit and then i had to go, mmmmmmmmhhhhhhh i was happy for ages after uhg i like him sooooo much so very much la la la lalalala!
so we're meeting monday woohoo XDDDD
uhm im not sure about what the hell is going on with the post below this one, i think it may be livvie's garnny if it is you have a very cool granny liv!
okay well i shall end with an apologie for my behaviour in the last week or so and i hope it gets better....
love you all more than you know
xxx

Am I in the right place I wonder???????

Hello I am not quite sure I am in the correct blog spot.
No I haven't lost my marbles.
There is a photo of Livvy and no Fergie tartan and an unfamiliar set up.
Will someone confirm whether or not I am in the correct place!!
I am selecting our blog spot from my favourites but I think I am getting Livvy's blog.
Is that confusing you - well it is confusing me!!
Love to 'who-ever' Gran X

Todd

i talked to todd last night for the first time in ages...and i was amazed to see how much he still terrified me! you see i was so so scared of him when we were going out but i thought that was just because it was like you know 'first boyfriend' thing because i never got that with ryan (well only a little anyway) but i started talking to him again and well, i was terrified and i sort of liked it, i by no means still like him, oh dear god no! but it was still kinda fun...
is being scared that much of a turn on? :$ help!
anyway other news: still pineing after ryan but im not as sad as i was so thats cool, and there is a possibility that he will be at the skills festival tomorrow...that would be amazing!
sort of feeling better been belting out Moulin Rouge thats made me feel better and the fact that CSI is on tonight and i have no homework woohoo, im actualy in a reasonably good mood today! well for the mood i was in today...i actualy burst into tears twice today which is rare and an indication to how bad all of this has fucked with me!
GOD! the sandman books are so confusing no i mean i get the books but i am trying to buy some more and fuck! there are so many spinoffs and subplots and other books i just dont know where to turn! flump! uhg! anyways i cant belive it im not going to get the sixth sandman because mother dear has forgotten to order it! i have given up i am going to read number eight now!...

Mmhhpp

tired, drew ryan today, tured out shit i coloured it wrong i may end up cutting it up and doing something else with it...the top half worked but the bottom didnt.
hes not online ither grrr i miss him and that really annoys me because i feel that now its becoming very one sided, hes just this thing to keep me from slipping into anger, depression or whatever who pops up every now and again to remend me he exists.
got D of E on saturday and i am not prepeared at all! i cant belive it my dad is away which means that i wont be able to get it untill friday night and i have forgotten how to put it up ohshitohshitohshit! he is going to be so angry with me...oh i dont want this i just want to cry! i dont have the energy to deal with this
i just want it all to stop! i feel really bogged down and tired.
i have just listened to lostprophets and linkin park for a straight five hours thats like 6 times for each album....
my eyes hurt, i just want to.....go to sleep for ages and wake up again in my perfect world...
hmm perfect world, mixed school, no exams, learing Japanese instead of German...ryan....livvie living in her own house with ned...me living in Camden with my jessie and ryan and jessie's uber hot emo boyfriend...michelle living in her mansion with tolkien...
mmhhpp...
i hate this so much....sleep...for ever....maybe...
i am not going to get up tomorrow, i am just going to lie there and think 'what the fuck is the point' and i wont be able to answer myself...so i wont get up...no actualy i lie, i am going to get up for japanese, so i will begin my sleep wednesday...
i need someone to save me,
'one step closer to the edge...and im about to break'

V....V....Ville Valo *dies*

hmmm i sort of feel sick but i think i may have eaten too much bread at lunch ah well.
on the up side, i watched the HIM dvd of Ville Valo live...
it doesnt sound as good on the dvd, the music is alot sharper on disc but...
o.....m..........f................g Ville Valo is beyond anything i had ever imagined so so so so amazingly hot! and the way he sings with the ciggarett and his hat wowie *orgasm* im sorry but he turns me on \^o^/
hugely.... mhhhhh im listening to his CD now....

in other news, farther is in a hugely bad mood and on the war path, i have just had to clean up the blood/gut stains left by my cat (i love him to bits but it does get annoying when he brings in rabbits eats the heads and then spreads the internal tracts all over the study carpet) off the carpet with a hand brush and 50yr old carpet cleaner...not fun
and i over heard him talking about exercise...no...if he askes me to go on a run i am going to refuse and lock myself in my room.
i am in that sort of a mood i will not cooperate, comprimise or have anything to do with running today...
its strange being tired angry and horney at the same time? :$

'House'

okay seriously seriously pissed off now!
seriously, okay life is not going great for me right now. i dont know what it is but i feel im aproaching one of my huge huge angry moods that lasts for days or entering my depression cycle again. i dont want to do that, im not sure when it was but i broke out of it and now i can see it looming.

mhhhhh i thought it was thursday today which ment that House would be on, but its not its a wednesday so no House. that made me so so angry i just wanted to cry but like always i couldnt!
i hate not being able to cry, i used to be able to do it whenever but now i cant cry ever and its so so frustrating, i feel i need to do something that will justifie what im feeling inside.
i hate alot, well no i am disliking alot of people right now...
mainly a guy, i cant belive it i just cant fucking belive him i hate him i hate him i hate him!
but i have not given up not yet, im not looking for love i just want a nice small relationship thats all, i dont want sex i dont want big fuck off 'i love you's i just want someone i can hang with and talk to and hug, you know but just not as a friend
>:(
and the ass isnt even online, i know somethings wrong because he said that he doesnt go online when hes upset but i just want to talk to him, i feel like i have imagined the whole thing and that he doesnt even exist.
and people keep coming up to me and asking me how its going on with him and i dont even know how they know about him!
i just want them to leave me alone.
i hate him
hatehatehate!
i cant belive how not being able to see House has made me so angry!
i love that show, and i love Hue Laurrie.
in other news, im fucking freezing!
more news, i texted ryan....i feel better for it but now it depends on if he texts back?
i dont know, as i have said before:
i could jump and i could fly
but i could fall and then id die
listening to moulin rouge disc two which alltogether as a cd is better than number one!
it has a nicer overall feel to it, the first one has like four amazing songs on it and the rest im sad to say are shit. no. two has like one amazing song but they are all pretty good
okay thats all for now, im actualy shaking now im so cold ah fuck!
i want chocolate!

Music

finaly i am at home and i am extatic about it, and best off all i got home to a newly delivered moulin rouge two disc sound track and corpse bride sound track Naruto 1 and 4, tarot cafe 2, and sandman 5 and i cant wait to read them.
took my new bike for a spin and mannaged to get up a huge really steep hill no problem which is something i have never been able to do before.
have been singing my heart out to 'tango de la roxan' i love that song it is just so beautiful haunting and dark!
also corpse bride is great!
im sort of looking forward to tomorrow but i havent done my homework *gah* ah well ill survive i always do.
sort of confused as to were i stand with my 'relationship' i sort of just want to give up on it all....
its so wierd i had this with todd as well, if i dont talk to them i start questioning if they really even exist? and this is all a dream! its so wierd he was in my dream again it was really nice talkin to him i died in the end and i woke up and thought oh thankgod i didnt die but atleast i talked to ryan....but i hadnt god i felt stupid and then really angry >:(
hmmmmmm....
i think thats all for now
toodles

Things that Really Piss me Off...

yup you guessed it things that really piss me off are:

• religion
• official type casting of subcultures

(not when its teenagers going ooh shes a goth/chav/skater/mosher/punk ect. but when its adults who should know better!)

• political correctiveness
• small minded people
• lying

(not general lies but when people lie and then expect you to know the truth or say 'you should have known' you see i only didnt know it or look further into it was because i trusted you and i trusted that what you were telling me was the bloody truth!)

• homework
• relationships and men in general

im going to keep adding to this as i discover more and more delightful things that piss me off

I am Not Ashamed!

yesturday night.....sorry last night
actualy i prefure yesturday night...
anyway yesturday night i just sat down and decided i was sick of my drawing style, so i picked up my muse and just drew...
i had a vauge idea of what it was going to look like but i never imagined it would turn out what it turned out like.
it was a hugely liberating drawing and i am very proud, its not increadibly deatailed and i whimped out on a back ground but i am still very proud...
it is of a woman how is grossly skinny with leather skin hangign off her body, she is naked and standing there infront of you cellulite and all and i titled it:
'I Am Not Ashamed'
i feel like too many people are afraid of their bodies, ashamed
i want to draw naked people more often now, exept that would include me having to actualy see more than just my own body, which will be an interesting task :$
ah well i was happy for the rest of the day, night well it was about 2:00 when i finnished it...

in other news: huge reatail therapy woohoo i brought the most amazing shoes on this earth, a wicked punk/frilly/studded tie, a top announcing that i am a mentl patient from *goes finds top* from Pennsylvania State Prison and a really nice skirt with huge hearts diamonds clubs and spades in red and white on the hem! it is my summer outfit and it looks amazing with my corset over the top of the t-shirt, i cant wait to show you guys maybe i'll get a picture and upload it onto this post?

Aido

hmmmm it all started with my stumbeling over a small little link that was at the very bottom of the page of my very first online comic EarthSong Saga...
Fallen, a comic by Yuko 'Aido' Ota...
it is amazing pure and simple, unadulterated talent fest woot XD
i encourage you to for gods sake go and read it
(www.fallencomic.com)
this also has the comic on it but it also has art \^o^/
(http://aido.furvect.com/fallen.htm)
but unfortunatly it has stopped so i morned for a year and finaly thought 'hey, i bet she has more stuff on the internet!'
and so began the search...
i found elfwood aido (http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/art/a/i/aido/aido.html)
deviantart aido (http://eouen.deviantart.com/)
and a few other blogs and such:
(http://dhio.livejournal.com/profile)
(http://aido.furvect.com/)
and here is something i dont know what yet i'll check it out when i have time
(http://www.instantclassic.net/)

im sorry but i am in love with her art and have too much time to myself... i make no excuses

World of My Own

for a second there okay well to be precise maybe three...HOLY SHIT ITS ONE OCLOCK WHERE THE FUCK DID TWELVE OCLOCK GO!
okay maybe a little more, but just for that moment in time i felt like i was in a world of my own...i wasnt happy but i felt wierdly at peace sort of rested. i have by no means sorted anything out in my life if anything i have made things worse but i feel okay...almost
this is such a wierd feeling...
i dont know i want to stay here forever
there are only a few moods were i have wantewd to stay like it forever:
when i am having a really deep descussion with a friend
when i have laughed myself silly and so hard that my lungs hurt and my sides seeze up
when im in the arms of someone i really really love be it friend or partner
when i am sat at a table with the entirety of my family all chatting a joking i dont have to be saying anything just as long as everyone there is happy
when im walking and the sun is shining but its not too hot...when i just love every thing and everyone livving or dead on this earth, those moments are rare but ive had a few and they are great.
and finaly a moment like this...
everyone in the house is asleep, and i am utterly alone
im not happy but its its own bliss...
bliss on a stick as mother would say

Yeah it's uncanny to see, you'd really think it was me...

If you like "Cigarette" you should hear "Fred Jones Part 2." I don't have it on my mp3, but I do have it in my Lime Wire library and on the live DVD of Ben Folds & WASO Ned gave me. Here are the lyrics. A lot of people think of "Brick" as Mr. Folds's saddest song, but this one tops the bill for me. The live version is excellent too, it just about works with the orchestra.

Fred sits alone
at his desk in the dark
there's an awkward
young shadow that waits in the hall

he has cleared all his things
and he's put them in boxes
things that remind him
that life has been good

twenty five years
he's worked at the paper
a man's here
to take him downstairs
and "I'm sorry,
Mr. Jones, it's time"

there was no party
and there were no songs
cause today's just a day
like the day that he started

and no one is left here
that knows his first name
yeah and life barrels on
like a runaway train

where the passengers change
they don't change anything
you get off
someone else can get on
and "I'm sorry,
Mr. Jones, it's time"

the streetlight
it shines through the shades
casting lines on the floor
and lines on his face
he reflects on the day

Fred gets his paints out
and goes to the basement
projecting some slides
onto a plain white canvas

and traces it,
fills in the spaces
he turns off the slides
and it doesn't look right

yeah, and all of these bastards
have taken his place
he's forgotten, but not yet gone
and "I'm sorry, Mr. Jones"
and "I'm sorry, Mr. Jones"
and "I'm sorry, Mr. Jones, it's time"

It's a good tune, too. I was listening to Ben Folds last night because I couldn't get to sleep from hunger, and it was like that hunger sharpened my hearing or something, I don't know. I could just hear all the layers at once and it was really great. I love the background singing from the other two, they're fantastic.

Stirr Crazy

get me out of here! i am begging you please...
this is my own personal hell, i do not fear death anymore for surely i have been there and returned just to see the world slip on by without me.
i have just had my 9 yr old cousin ( mental age of a hyperactive three year old) walk in on me changing, well no not even changing i was naked.
nanny janet is on the war path and grandad tom is in a mood.
fucking joy! now we are off to the armoury.
I HAVE NO INTEREST IN GUNS! I HAVE NO INTREST IN WAR I DO NOT WANT TO GO!
leave me the fuck alone.
i have course work i know i am not going to do and i have had no physical contact with any person my age or even near to it for going on six days!
i am going to kill myslef i swear!
i am now hiding up in my 'bedroom' listening to the constant up roar and banging and screaming unfolding down below, hannah (7 yrs old) and lucy (8) have fallen out and now proceed to scream at each other and yell and cry.
i have no clean clothes! my pjamas stink and i have no means of washing them least i spend a night in the nudy which i am not prepeared to do as i have frequant invasions by george, william, hannah and lucy and the door doesnt even fucking shut! let alone have a lock! i have to shove a coat under it just to stop it swinging open!
the only up side, i brought 4 manga books yesturday.
the only down side they are all crap.
now i cant find my bra, its probaly been stolen.
is this not one of the circuls Dantie described!
i jaust want to go home get a hug from jess, a chat with michelle, a laugh from livvie (no alitteration intened) and a kiss from ryan.
nope not possible im stuck here for four more days....
i am now going to find a nice corner and O.D
or maybe i can find a nice sharp object?

up side:
all thistime on my own has given me, well time to listen to Ben Folds and actualy concentrate on the lyrics.
he is now my only anchor to the world i have fal;len i love with the following sonds:
Julianne ( met this girl, she looked like Axl RoseGot drunk and took her home and we slept in our clothes) how amazing is that i love those lyrics
Boxing oh its just such a sad song
Kate i aprichiate the irony of this song, i mean the song is about wanting to be a girl called Kate and well *cough* i wouldnt mind...
and Cigerette its just such a beautiful song
okay well thats me done im off to the armoury.....yey.....

Salutations From the Citadel Of Beavers

Hello there!
Don't worry about the poetry, it's natural that you should look back on your old stuff and be a little... put out. Everyone's experiencing all the time... just look on the bad experiences as future poetry material! He he, no one's that postitive, are they?! Hope not, or I might just have to shoot them in a fit of jealous rage...
Enjoy what's left of your freedom if you can. Before you know it we'll be sitting exasperated before Miss P, as she tells us that fate and chance are COMPLETELY different, and not connected at all.
:)

Poetry

well that was a constructive 24 hours....not
uhg this is bollocks i am sat on this computer listening to the ocational scream or cry of a wounded 7 years old.
no one is on msn and i feel so desperatly lonely and ditatched, i feel like the world is leaving me behind and something big is happenenig that i dont know about and that all my frineds are in on it and im left out...its a conspiracy!
*inner vioce* that melissa is called paranioa.....paranoia online :( *sob*
well ive got it all together now so im starting work on my project woohoo
nothing much else to say got more biology to do and english *groan*
i have spent the last god knows how many hours re-reading all my poetry and just realised how cringingly bad it all is and i mean serious emo slitty cuting bad ugh how horrific :'(
well thats all for now really hot and the trosers im wearing re too tight they really hurt!

Oh Holiday...

uhg i hate this, i am so bored, stuck in a house of seven to seventy yearolds and not one of the nine inhabitants is 14 15 16 or 17 it sucks so much.
i am so bored i mean i have no one to talk to, or do anything with. there are a few teenagers accross the road, but i dont want to talk to them aparently they are regular plastics and to be brutely honest i have no interest in being sociable at all. i want to be surounded with people i already know, i am not in the mood to start new relationships, especialy with people i am going to know for one day and then forget about.
i have an insane urge to watch herbie reloaded! i havent seen it yet and i want to... :S
hmm abit worried about michelle, i wish she wouldnt hide things...
michelle! tell me whats wrong :(
and well hey jess who i have just found out reads my blog!
also a hi to my beloved worm who is still not in home soil im glad your sort of having a good time, ill email you im also having your letter sent to sheffield he he he...
i have found something to keep me buisy over the hols i cnt say because its a secret...
its not a big secret and its not flashy or anything but it should be good

ho hum, got romeo and juliet corse work to get into oh shit and biology too, i think ill do that now
toodles

Marfit

okay i have forgotten how to connect people to your blog so im just going to record names down here so i can search for them when i want to read their stuff.
they, being michelle...
Marfit.
okay well today i emailed livvie...hey livvie! :D
i have nothing interesting to say right now, just that im off on my hols and i dont know how im going to survive.
my cousins are the most annoying life forms on the planet.... :(

Today Today...

well nothing happened today! fantastic it was the welcome break i needed so much has happened i just need some time to breath and look back on whats going on.
its been a very wierd week... apart from me turning 15 i have had to deal with some head shit...
i had a great birthday:D
ryan made bloody sure of that!XD
but he still has a girl friend, now personlay i see no problem with cheating... i know its shit and if he can cheat on her he will cheat on me, but honestly we are going to break up anyway i dont really care how...
is that bad?
anyway so polly is calling me a slut and i am making both my best friends jealous...
okay with that, i know constantly going on and on about him is shit and i know that theres the whole thing with them not haveing had a boy friend before but i do it for a few reasons:
1). i am scared shitless of this guy and all guys in general! you have no idea he terrifies me, he is number two relationship and i still have no clue as to what the f**k to do! and i just need to talk about it and ask questions and try to find my way, i cant help it i need to learn
i go on and on about sex and all that and i make jokes and say that i want to loose my virginity as soon as i can and so on, but i dont and im only joking to cover my back, because i know nothing!
2). i am selfish, and totaly exited and i just want to show off to the world about this i mean I HAVE A BOYFRIEND (well hes not my boyfriend) but how amazing is that, there is a guy willing to risk rejection becuase he likes me that much, its just such an exillerating feeling!
its totaly egotistical but i dont give a...

okay thats all i got for a bit in other news, i was shocked to find out that Oli is Polly's second boyfriend... :O
i mean wow i would never had know i would have said he was atleast no. 5
also birthday news....NIEL GAIMAN HAS STARTED A NEW SERIES OF SANDMAN COMICS! \^o^/
i love the sandman, it is without doubt my fave graphic novel!
paradise kiss being my fave manga (wich can you belive it only goes up to 5 volumes! :'(
the sand,an is just exeptional! beyond words...just read it!
sigh...im awaiting the arival of Naruto 1, 2 and 4
and taroot cafe 2
i am such a good mood:D
ryan said he was clinging to me on our date when we were hugging, he used the word clinging...how cool is that! XD

hmm more to come...
untill then eat, sleep, dream

Sick

i knew it wasnt worth it, i think someone finds it funny to watch me go around spewing out how amazing it is to be with him, making all my freinds jealous, having to deal with that awkwardness.
the sick feeling i had for three days running because i was so nervous.
and now its all over with two smileys over msn and a name.
*heart* Kate *heart*
i never hated the other one but i hate her.
and i dont hate him.
i dont think its even sunk in.
exept the fact that i was right, im almost happy that i can say i am right, and that all men are the same and all men are cheating assholes.
i thought he was different, but so does every girl in every new relationship.
fuck him!
and i still dont hate him and i still want to be with him.
i cant belive it! he's wormed his way out of it and i know hes lying.
'i just couldnt say no' BOLLOCKS! or even if it was true, it just showes that im not that special.
as amazing as you say i am.
im just a little bit amazing, or not amazing enough.
sure youll sort it out, sure ill wait, you know i will
im just so sick of this.
so fucking sick.