V for Vendetta.

god i love that film so so much! it's awesomepossum! I'm going to re-read the book and try to like that too, i think i only disliked it because it was too hard to follow as i read it in intervals dictated by when i could escape to the ever unwelcoming wortikas. but anyway I've been quite ill recently so I've been doing very little, or at least that's my excuse for doing very little and i woke up today and promised myself I'd draw something as recently i've been having a sort of crisis. i can't seem to come up with my own ideas, or interesting concepts or anything, i think I'd sacrifice some of my talent for better ideas, i was looking through my gallery and nothing in it is particularly interesting or intuitive or any other word that sounds right but I'm not quite sure of the meaning. I guess I'm just not feeling creative right now, so I've started looking at other things i've never tried before like doing realistic things. it's really fun in a strange sort of way and I'm really really pleased with the results so far because it's never been something i thought i could do before.
in other news, i hate feeling clingy and i hate people who make me feel clingy, i also hate men. who i don't hate though are Nickle Creek and their song 'Spit on a Stranger'.

Vauge Feeling of Loss.

I'm dreading this funeral i don't want to go, i want to hide away somewhere dark and small and relatively warm. i think I'm actually petrified.

on another note, I'm really really proud of this picture, and now i come to think of it, he and Livvie are the only people I've drawn seriously (apart from Jess's eye).
I miss him a lot right now and wish very much for a hug. it's a strangely vague feeling of loss.

When I Am Old I Shall Wear Purple.

okay, well basically, i found out on Sunday (7th) that my Auntie Julie died of a heart attack on Friday (5th). she wasn't even 40, though I'm not sure on her exact age. we weren't close but she was my auntie and i looked forward to seeing her and being the weird novelty relative who's always fun to be around and chat to about weird arty things and to invite round for coffee and never mean it though the thought's still there. when my mum said she needed to talk to me i knew immediately that someone had died, but i thought it was going to be my Grandpa. it's very very strange how you just know when it's something that huge. she told us straight that Julie had died and my brother started crying and my mum's eyes welled up and i just sat there. i couldn't do anything. i didn't know what to do, to be brutally honest, i didn't feel like crying, i did, but i don't know why, it wasn't as if they were just tears to look like i felt something, I'm pretty sure they were genuine, it's just it didn't feel like me crying, it felt like my little wire man from art was behind my eyes pumping out the tears. i just felt empty for a few minutes and then i went for a shower.
whenever i think about her now, i just get the urge to tell a tasteless joke, like i was looking through my 'special stuff' box and i found a book she'd given me called 'When I Am Old, I Shall Wear Purple' and instead of feeling sadness over her passing, all i thought was, not anymore you're not.
now, I'm either:
Suppressing all this emotion and it will come out later.
Unable to deal with the devastating idea that i will never again see someone who played such an important role in my mother's side of the family.
Or I'm simply an unfeeling emotionally stunted shit.
I'm not sure i like any of those options, half of me quite fancies the idea that I'm unable to face my emotions, i think that's a nicer alternative to just not feeling.
how are you supposed to feel when something like this happens?
people say that grieving is a personal process and it's different for everybody, but I'm simply not grieving.
maybe my horrible jokes are my way of dealing with this?
but that can't be true, i mean sure that's a mechanism for dealing with silly teenage problems like your boyfriend cheating on you, not the death of a relative?

also, another thing that i did when i was told was get a really good idea for a short story. then i thought about that for a while. akin to what Neil Gaiman's Shakespeare was saying, that as a writer he will always experience things with half of himself observing. as much as i like the idea of being able to identify with some of his writing, i don't feel okay that it was at Julie's expense. is it really at her expense.

i think i was crying more for my cousins than i was for Julie, they don't have a mother anymore, and my uncle lives in Mexico.

I'm not sure whether i pride myself on being emotionally retarded. i think, don't be stupid, that's a stupid thing to be proud of, and then the other half of me goes, of course you'd say that because to have a genuine problem you have to deny that you have a problem, and you'd like to have a problem in your boring middle class life wouldn't you.

i really don't know, i wish i did know, life would be so much easier if there was a set text that you could deviant from at will, but check up on every now and again... just to make sure you were the safe kind of weird, the cool kind of quirky, the okay kind of strange. and not just fucked or simply normal (oh the temptation to say something incredibly pretentious like 'same thing isn't it?' is rather large).

my sister's written a letter to Julie about how much she loved her and how she was sorry she didn't get to say it to her when she was alive.
I'm not sure what i would have put in my version.

Dear Julie
It was lovely knowing you, though i never spent much time around you i knew you were a nice person who was always ready for a girly laugh and a cup of coffee over which you could gossip about people we both knew. it would have been fun to go on a shopping trip with you, Livvie and mum. it's funny thinking that you're never going to be at Steepways anymore, parking your bum on the aga or suggesting it was time to go to the pub or yelling at Livvie and I aged eight or nine to 'shut the hell up or I'll put you in separate bedrooms'. I'm glad that you made Livvie invite me to all of her birthdays and looked after me when they abandoned me for makeup and more attractive girly things. Thank you for offering to house me if i got into art school in cheltenham, and though it was never going to happen at least now we have a good excuse for it not to have. and thank you for the years of HMV vouchers.
I think I'm going to miss you like I'd miss Steepways if it fell down, you were an integral, if not central part of my childhood.

You've played knifey spoony before!

boy do i ever fail at asking someone out *laughs* after deciding first to go for Chinese, being turned down, then suggesting Nando's only to be told that his mothers already cooked and he can't get out of it, not only meaning i haven't eaten all day for nothing, he will also be another hour later than planned. then to take him to the Pig only to find that he was planning to take me back to his but i said i only had a small amount of time with him (meaning three hours) and he thought i meant an hour and a half sort of thing. so now i am sat eating 1/4 of a quiche a cold jacket potato that i don't want to know how old it is, and half a peanut butter sandwich. and i couldn't be happier. it was a wonderful night, spent the whole time chatting and laughing and holding hands and, oh he's so lovely. we had a 'so what were your first impressions of me' chat and he went on for ages about how i came off really inelegant and he loved that, and then we had some fun texting questions like 'why doesn't she love me?' to 118118... i expect they get those ALL the time >.< then he started to get all sciency and started asking questions about bullets in space and body type stuff. he's also taken a course in hypno therapy and we chatted for ages about psychology and NLPs and things. he said we'd try some hypno stuff on me, I'd quite like to do that.
then long haired Adam ant recognizing guy was at the bar and i randomly thought of knifey spoony and burst out laughing. this caused him too look over all offended like and ask what could possibly be so funny and i said to him 'do you know about knifey spoony' and suddenly he just jumped up and yelled 'AH I SEE YOU'VE PLAYED KNIFEY SPOONY BEFORE!' and poor Alec is sat there without a clue as we suddenly began a round of the game. then i had to explain the rules to him and he was in hysterics, not at the game but at the fact that long haired guy knew what i was on about.
For those of you unfarmiliar, Knifey Spoony is a game in which two or more players compare knives; the player with the largest knife is the winner. However, any player may choose to use a spoon instead of a knife. Any spoon beats any knife, but a player with a spoon is disqualified if another player recognizes and announces his or her use of a spoon.
"That's not a knife. THIS is a knife!"
"That's not a knife, that's a spoon."
"Ah, I see you've played Knifey-Spoony before!"

i was writing this last night before my mother yelled at me to get to bed and have now lost all luster for accounting last night. it was indeed a wonderful evening, i can't wait to just go back to his house and chill though. that's another thing i miss so bitterly about going out with Kit being relaxed.
it's frustrating and i put it down to my almost being on my period but, i've been thinking about him a lot. when I'm at school it's fine because i can see what an awful dolt he is. but when I'm not, my memory tends to wander. i also thought Helena was going home with him today and was unpleasantly surprised by how much that bothered me. even though i know i've done worse with Alec. i guess i have to remember how unrelated i felt the two, i really shouldn't say incidents *laughs* how unrelated i felt the two encounters were, i make my bed sound like a rather large place. we just encountered amongst the sheets.

i have tea and am tired, i wish to retire to bed.
Goodnight.

I swear it on my name they could smell it on me.

i have both the feeling of great satisfaction and dread at the same time, which is rather interesting, it's the dangerous kind of mood that could swing to either extreme. i had a good day today despite my back hurting LIKE A BITCH! Chris came with me into town and we spent the whole time chatting and just catching up, then we went to Thornton's and he bought me a hot chocolate to say thankyou for the company and said that we hadn't talked for ages and it was nice that we could catch up. he said he understood me not wanting to hang around the kitchen anymore.
I think Kit is why I'm feeling dread, i think I'm over him. how can i ever get over that? i mean, i just don't know what i feel, i tell everyone i don't care, i AM over him. he's SO different i just, fuck he's just always there and i miss him so much. i'm still thinking about him all the dam time. ALL THE TIME. i want to carve him out of my head. if only it were that easy. i want him to notice me, i want him to just be my FUCKING FRIEND! i want him to look at me with something other than apathy in his eyes, ANYTHING! FUCKING ANYTHING. FUCKING. ANYTHING. other than that apathy, not even a cold stare, just, nothing.

i saw him playing with his ear today.
he's still there, some of the small, insecure, sweet little boy is in there. it's managed to survive. i want that, i want it back.
i want to throw my arms around it and drag it back into reality.

...he's such a fuck.
*laughs* i no longer feel satisfied.

Things Melissa Wants:

Books:

Choke - Chuck Palahniuk
On the Road - Jack Kerouac
Running With Scissors - Augusten Burroughs

Music:

Prince Charming - Adam and the Ants
Who Killed Amanda Plamer - Amanda Palmer

Film:

Withnail and I
Running With Scissors
In Bruges

Comics:

Deadenders
American Virgin
DMZ
Doom Patrol
The Dreaming
Enigma
The Filth
Heavy Liquid
The Invisibles
It's a Bird...

This Weekend.

*sighs happily*
i thought this weekend was going to suck, how very very wonderfully wrong i was!
Friday night was fantastic and i enjoyed spending some quality time with Jaz and Michelle. i thought that going over to Jazz's was going to be so awkward but it wasn't AT ALL! he is so lovely, we just chatted the whole time about everything and he told me some really intimate things that i am honored to know. they're not particularly deep, nor are they prolific, but they were things that he was a little ashamed of and the fact that he felt he could share them was wonderful. i drew a picture of us two on his wall ^^ he was so nice to me and complimentary and we talked about the period where we both liked each other, and he does the cutest thing where he uses me as a base to compare other girls with. every single girl he talked about was 'well, she's kind of like you but...' which i took as a great compliment. then we got into town early and had drinks with Andy and Steve and that was awesome, i felt so 'grown up'. it's a little like sex really. it's hyped up so much and it's only really good when you realize it's actually not that big a deal. but there was this very cute guy there who recognized my costume and spent about 10 minutes talking to us about his experience of the 80s. and i got hit on by his friend when i went to get the drinks, eh actually said 'have i seen you around here before, because i recognize you' *laughs* his name was Ben. then we got to the party and well... the less said about that the better *sighs* it just wasn't my thing i guess. so Jaz Michelle and I went for some air and ended up having an amazing conversation. it's one thing being able to share something with a best friend, but being in a group of more than two, really feels special, i have no idea why. i feel so much closer to Jaz now and he was texting me today which was lovely. he kept complaining about how we never talk anymore so we have decided to set aside some credit especially for each other. then back to Tahmina's i was so nervous because she had Sarah Barns there and another Sarah, i think Smith. anyway i had nothing to worry about, they were both very lovely and to be honest we fell asleep way to fast for there to be any awkward moments. the next morning the two Sarahs left at eight, EIGHT! so it was just Tahmina and i and i was even more scared about that then i was of sleeping over, what if we didn't know what to say. but we did, it was like seeing Livvie again, it just slotted into place again. i planned to leave quite early I'd rather not give the awkward silences time to develop. but the clock kept on ticking and we just kept on talking, nine, ten, eleven, then i had a shower and really meant to leave but then her mum came downstairs and we sat with us and chatted like a real teenager *laughs* then i stayed for lunch and i gave Tahmina's mum a recipe for a roast dinner and i felt so adult, you know swapping cooking tips *giggles* so it was half two by the time i got out of Tahmina's house and i was full on Pizza. then to Wortikas where i slept and read and things which was good. then to cheltenham for 6 and i forgot they were turning on the lights so there were people EVERYWHERE, not just people but children too! i met Franchesca and she showed me a stall that sold more fake plugs and i know i shouldn't have and i cant really afford it but i bought a new one anyway. then i sat in Starbucks and this very very cute waiter cleared my table and chatted to me for a little while. i sat there for about two hours i think, just watching people through the window, and cute waiter guy came back again and commented on me still being there and we chatted some more about being overworked and feet hurting and the like. then i met with Alec, wonderful lovely Alec. who just so happens t be wonderful and lovely. we went to see Choke (but were so busy talking we forgot it was on and missed the first 10 minutes, oops). Choke was... strange. it had this i don't know, teen movie vulgarity that i didn't like at all, but then it had Chuck's usual monologues over the top and Morticia played the mother which was great. and the twists... the many MANY twists at the end were good. it was actually very very sad, and i hope to watch it better on my own. then back to Alec's HURRAY! thank god eventually i went to his! though i didn't get to see his room because we didn't want to wake his parents. he has a huge dog called George who is deaf and going blind, so he doesn't jump up because he can't see yo and he doesn't brak because he can't hear himself. which i can't help thinking makes him the best dog in the world. then we went to Alec's sort of conservatory and we had mugs of tea and a gas fire thing going and we had sex on a wikka sofa type thing which was interesting. but it was wonderful because it was brilliant, i felt not a jot of guilt, i didn't even wish it was Kit. i was happy that it was Alec. and he was so lovely, it kind of just happened which was nice though we knew it would happen if that makes sense. then after he got out his guitar and sang me loads of songs he really is very good at guitar, and his singing Irish accent is adorable. he's very sexy in a sort of cute way. then it was time he took me home and when i protested he simply picked me up and carried me out, which i thought was impressive, he really is very strong. anyway back to mine i invited him in and we had sex again on my bed *laughs* i've lost my glasses. i had to use the condom i got from Wychwood, because i want to be sensible about this and the fact is, i don't know what i could catch off of him yet. Mel is having safe sex *laughs* yeah, so that was awesome, again no guilt for having him in the same bed that i had Kit in, though i do have a little now. i'm not sure wether it'll hit me that we've actually had sex. it makes it normal now, if that makes any sense, i have now had sex with more than one person. it's very different and i like that, i'll spare you the details but yeah. anyway then we chatted for a bit but he had to go as he has work at eight am. i then downed a bit of baileys which is why this is so badly structured and now i am going to boil myself and egg an then go to sleep. i am very happy. and i like Alec a lot.
a lot a lot. hu-fucking-ray for this wonderful weekend, i can not wait for nest next Friday and going to the pig again or something ^^

i love you Michelle and Jess!

:Edit: and my beautiful Livvie, even though you are persisting to remain half a world away *grins*:

Adam Ant.

These are some pictures of my Adam Ant costume.
it's awesome and fun and i love it ^^
the jacket, trousers and boots are my mums, the shirt is mine and the hankies are mine as well.
I'm wearing my pirate shirt but you can't really see it and the make up you can't see either but it's great i assure you *laughs*
i've bound my breasts too, and i can't really breath. may have to re-think that one >.<

Bacon.

as the stench of burnt bacon fills my nostrils i wonder when the hurting is going to stop. we had bacon and avocado sandwiches for lunch and i couldn't eat it because the very smell made me sick to my stomach. the last time i had a bacon sandwich was when Kit and I had the house to ourselves. i asked him if i could help him and he said i could cut a tomato to put in his sandwich, i already had and he told me he that he loved me. i think i have resigned myself to the idea that we are not going to get back together and i wonder when that is going to stop making me want to off myself. *laughs*.

i love him so much.
i don't want to be alone tonight.

Arty type stuff:

http://foxnede.deviantart.com/journal/9459253/

i'm thinking about doing that^

Saw V and Alec.

Consuming the left over apple crumble (who's age i do not want to think about for too long) i contemplate the happenings of today.
Saw Jess aaaaahh that was lovely, god i missed her. it was funny i dreamt of seeing her again the night before and we hugged exactly the way we did in the dream.
it was lovely and though i was a little jealous Jess had spent this amazing time away from me i was more happy she'd had an amazing time.
i was a little nervous about meeting Alec, but it's funny, not THAT nervous, no more than, well actually not really at all, which was a nice feeling. i bought Postsecret and it's fantastic!
i read it sat in Starbucks and had a little cry at one of the pages that had a postcard with 'what hurts more than loosing you... is knowing you're not fighting to keep me.' written on it. *shivers* not nice, though amazing that someone has the exact same thoughts as me. then i finished it and was kicked out of Starbucks so made my way to the cinema to meet Alec.

he rang me to find out where i was and it's funny, that was the first time i heard his voice, it was nice. we had a bit of a sitcom moment when he said 'see you soon' and i replied 'you too'. i have no idea what i was thinking but he laughed and hung up. seeing him was nice he looked pretty much how i thought he would, skinny very tall, amazing blue eyes though as in, arian wet dream/swim in the ocean/clear as the sky blue eyes. he smelt of cigarettes and car air freshener and lynx which was brilliant. god i love that smell. we started talking straight away and i did my usual trick of blathering on about everything and anything until the awkwardness went away. i told him i was sorry i looked like a dominatrix dyke. he laughed. before we knew it we had to rush down and get our tickets because we'd talked over time, getting in the cinema i chose to sit at the back and we chatted some more and tried to remember what the other Saws had been about. no arms round shoulders, no stroking of knees, just good clean fun and conversation.

Saw was a little disappointing but it was very much setting up for Saw V| and the gore was satisfying, i had to make sure i didn't laugh at the inappropriate moments.
he hugged me and grabbed my shoulders when a particularly gruesome bit came up and i squealed, and maybe he lingered there a little too long for friends before letting go, but i didn't mind.

then the car journey home. i've always thought of car journeys with over 20's (as in Alec and Jude) to be a bit weird, sort of going to a college party and still being at high school, just not my territory, a glimpse of a promised life. but it was different to Jude's car journeys. this was much less i don't know. Jude never really talks in the car and Alec and i talked all the way home. i flicked through his music and even had a go at him for some of it which was funny. we started asking each other riddles and that was a lot of fun, he's a great logical thinker. then we got back to my house and stayed in the car. we must have gotten back at about... 9 it was 12 by the time i got out *laughs* we talked about lots of things, he's clever but defiantly from Gloucester, if that makes sense, he doesn't like Chinese and has never eaten with chopsticks put it that way. but, at about 11, i was talking about how my hair was very short at the back and i said he could feel it and he took my head in his hands and started playing with my hair and we ended up kissing. kissing a lot. *sighs* he was very very very gentle, which was okay i guess, i felt like i might break him though if i let myself off guard. but when he got into it he was more forceful. once i got over the initial 'i wish this were kit i wish this were kit' it was nice. laid back and easy going, just really chilled. but he had this habit of stroking my face and holding my hand and it made me a little uncomfortable, because that made it very sort of, loving and intimate and I'm not okay with that yet. but as soon as we sort of stopped and laughed a bit, it was better again.
i miss him a bit already and god i did not want to get out of that car. it was so nice having that sort of date kissing, that can't lead to sex even though you know it would if we were in more of a convenient position.

oh well we had fun and he was very complimentary of my body which was much appreciated (though he did poke fun at my ankle pride).

he walked me to my door and there was lots of hugging.
i still miss Kit but i think i can separate them in my mind, or at least i hope i can.
I'm seeing him again soon and he didn't ask me out, which is a good thing, hurray!

Pee Po Belly Bum Draws.

So, an update in the slow moving and slightly boring life of Melissa.
Kit, my love, the boy/man I fell in love with. Who showed me bubbles and what it was like to giggle insanely at midnight, and hug me and kiss me like I’d never been kissed before. With whom I had such a beautiful relationship with, with whom I shared cheese and toast with during the small hours of the morning. The first person to have seen me naked, to have seen me naked for days on end when the parent left the house to us. What a silly idea that was. My first for love and sex. *sighs*

That’s all over now...

Bollocks.















I don't know how I feel, some times I’m okay, sometimes I am very not okay but most of the time I just feel empty. And that is rather tiring. I can't eat properly else I’m sick to my stomach, I dread sleep because it's in those dark and lonely hours that open the doors to memories of him lying next to me. Him hugging me when he thought I was still asleep. And everything reminds me of him. Even picking my nose! My NOSE! Reminds me of a conversation we had (it was very late at night). I have a small pile of all the things he's given me over our nine months.
I have a bunch of dried flowers a bum told him to give me before he married us. I have a rock he found that matches the freckles on my foot. I have an empty packet of skittles that he gave to me after he had collected all the red ones and taken out all the other colours. I have his pyjamas; I have the boxers he gave me to wear as a hat. I have a hat he gave me but not to wear as boxers. What am I to do?
It seems okay now, even if he's started to send kisses to Helena. But I haven't seen him yet. What am I to do?
I pray to any merciful spirit out there it'll be okay when I see him again. Though I suspect it wont. Maybe it will?
We had love, we had as he put it, 'the real thing, the whole soul mate delio'
We had a house in Canada with 10 dogs and a cat called Archie (short for Anarchy) and a room with mattresses from wall to wall and a sitting room with a view over the mountainside and one of those horrible 70s fire places I was going to nag him about removing.
Now we have an over sized bag with an x-box in it and a collection of games I have not the stomach to finish.
I am left with the suspicion that he still has some of my DVDs he's forgotten are mine, and a fear of the dark.

I still love him, I always will I know that as much as I know he thinks I lied to him. I hope he still has hope for us. I hope he thinks about me often, I hope he's cried like a little girl, just as he promised. I hope he'll try to fight for us just like he said he would.
I hope our house has just been let out.

And there is Alec. Mr rebound, he could almost pass for ginger.
Funny, kind, attentive, smart, witty, flirtatious, good looking (if not a little skinny, but I like that). He fills me full of excitement. I love knowing someone new wants me. And he does want me *laughs* I feel bad. Well, no I feel nothing. But I’m pretty sure I’ll feel bad soon.
I would like to take it slow; I would like to have another relationship. I do not want a relationship. I want a fuck. I really don't know what I want.
I want Kit back, I know I’ll get Kit back. A sleep over, one lingering hug and it will be a night of stolen kisses and giggles. But there isn't going to be a sleep over, not if he leaves the group, and that is imminent. There is no group anymore.
So good riddance to him. Alec shall hug me, Alec shall kiss me and take me to movies and drive me around in his car just like Kit promised to do when he passed his test. He never did get his act together quick enough.

Is it fair to compare?

Alec doesn't know me, he doesn't know me like Kit does, didn't pin me down to that bed and tell me he could see right through me, doesn't have that mad glint in his eye, hasn't told me that he likes to hurt people, that he enjoys hearing me yelling for him to stop.
Will anyone accept, no RELISH me the way I am? As much as Kit did?
Or am I just thinking myself abnormal, special.
'Love is nothing new, I’ve got work to do'
I’m not sure whether I like the idea of me being normal, of me being easily loved. I’d quite like Alec to love me. I wonder if he'd tie me up?
I wonder if he'd like it?
I simply don't know.
Kit is safe, Kit I know, Kit I want.

Not cricket, not cricket at all I say.



In other news, going to see Saw V with Alec on Sunday hopefully.
Really really missing Jess painfully. Not a great time for a best friend to piss off to China.
Had a FANTASTIC day with Michelle and Jaz and Dan and Wednesday and Sam and the other one who I can’t remember. Giving out free hugs. The kind of thing you read about and never do. Well now you can read about me and wish you’d done it too.

mistaken but not to be forgotten

i was half way through writing this encounter with Rob to a friend, until i realised they had asked for an account of a different night, i spent too long on this to just delete it, I'll just leave it here for my long cold lonely nights :P


he was very pretty actually, he was my height (quiet small i guess) with hair past his sholders in a ponytail.i saw him on the way in and clocked him as someone i'd quiet like to meet, not really knowing that in about three hours i would have met him and more. he was a friend of a friend of a firend (so handy to have connections *laughs*) and in the club we started attempting to chat about his ultraviolet nail varnish (outside I'd commented on how our nails had matched (both being painted black)) but inside the club, they whent white because of the lights. he'd demonstrate this by putting his fingers underneath the shadow cast by my breasts *laughs* i was in one of my beloved corsets. and well i guess the fact that each time he demonstrated to someone his glowing nails, his fingers got closer and closer to my body, i should have known what was coming, but having gone to an all girls highs school, i was not exactly versed in the inept fumbleings of teenaged boys. we chatted some more, or as much as the loud music allowed but nothing more. and then this song came on called 'Halo'. it's a heavy metal song with the usual contradicting lyrics of hatred and lust in the chorus such as 'i will stone you tone you, wrap my arms around you' and well i'm not one to pass up an excuse to, well, playfully show off. so he did indeed wrap his arms around me and he pulled me so close i could smell the smoke on his shirt. we hugged tight, bodies pushed up against each other from neck to thigh and somewhere between that hug and the end of the song, we were kissing, quiet heavily. i felt like a bit of a slut, but i kind of liked it too. it thrilled me to know that someone who'd known me for all of maybe an hour wanted me. we broke off, i think i must have been breathing quiet hard, the next song had started and he asked me if i wanted a drink. lead me by the hand like a real gentleman to a small dark corner

Still tired, not much has changed.

it's been ages since i've blogged, i just haven't. i've been writing in my diary a bit and well it's mostly full of lovey dovey shite about how much I'm in love with Kit, and well if you've worn me down enough to get me to send you a link to this, hi Kit, i love you.
it's strange thinking that Rob was last Christmas... *laughs* I'm so used to measuring time in boyfriends that an 8 month gap has really messed with my perception. it only seems a few months ago i was grinding up against that long win-haired boy in a smokey seedy 'club'. and i mean it's been well over a year since Will (we don't think about Grant). a lot of shit has gone down as they say but i'm far too tired to talk about it. school is good, well lessons anyway, i'm fighting back the feeling that socially i have become a spare part, a pin holding together a bone that has now fused together and no longer needs me. Katie has Joe now, and feels awkward around me because of Kit i assume. I'm not sure if she likes Kit or likes the idea of having lost him... does that make sense. Jess and i are getting on a lot better, but Michelle and i barely talk. Kit is being a 'cool kid' and as much as i identify with his wishes to be part of a society he has as any geek has looked into and been fascinated by. but i feel like some sort of fucking lap dog, sat obediently by his side, talking to 'the cool kids' simply because i have no one left but him to give me this attention that i crave, as the below-average-borderline i am.
house drama is going to be a feat, and some times i get a great feeling of despair and think there is NO WAY i can put in the amount of work needed... and other times i feel i can take it.
it depends on my mood which lately has been rather unstable.
i have a new phone now, which makes me intensely sad, i've lost all of my numbers and pictures and videos and... everything. i wont ever see my picture of the empty office again, or the graffiti pillars, or the picture of ultimate win (Chris with Jess's bra). but, well, i don't know again tiredness outweighs my caring.
talking about Chris we had a wonderful conversation today, about love and it makes me wonder if love really is quiet easily attainable? but yes no deep thoughts for me, its not normal. i will only think about how nice it felt having a one to one conversation with him.
NickleBack tomorrow, i hope it goes well.
maybe I'll start writing regularly in here again, it does seem to be a rather easy habit to slip back into, but then again typing to myself inst that different from talking to myself and the lord knows i do that enough.

im not crazy.

Corsets for Kit.

Scribble Cat Clothing.

What can i say?

Why you are single created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as You're simply a below average person! Congratulations! You're simply a below average person! Try to not be so anti-social. Change who you are to conform with others. Blend in or else you will have a suck life. You're simply a below average person! 82% You're a douche bag! 68% You scare people! 61% You have no life! 57% You talk too much! 57%

The Seance.

i was in the comatose ward, i prefured the company.
i wonder what a vegetable thinks about?
fireworks? beestings?

Sweeny Todd.

holy fuck i can not WAIT! for this film to come out.

jesus christ, it looks so so awesome, and the songs sound fantastic Helena and Johnny can really sing and his voice

is so gravely, hers is delecate and...and...and...

i just came.

Admit It.

im sorry but i love this song too much to not publish it into my life here on good old Blogger.

Despite your pseudo-bohemian appearance
That vaguely leftist doctrine of beliefs
You know nothing about art or sex
That you couldn’t read in any trendy
New York underground fashion magazine
Prototypical non-conformist
You are a vacuous soldier of the thrift store Gestapo
You adhere to a set of standards and tastes
That appear to be determined by an unseen panel of hipster judges (bullshit)
Giving a thumbs up or thumbs down to incoming and outgoing trends and styles of music and art
Go analog baby, you’re so post-modern
You’re diving face forward into a antiquated path
It’s disgusting, its offensive don’t stick your nose up at me

Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah

You spend your time sitting in circles with your friends
Pontificating to each other forever competing for that one moment of self aggrandizing glory
In which you hog the intellectual spotlight
Holding dominion over the entire shallow pointless conversation
Oh we’re not worthy when you walk by a group of quote unquote normal people
You chuckle to yourself patting yourself on the back as you scoff
With the same superiority complex Shared by the high school jocks who made your life a living hell
And makes you a slave to the competitive capitalist dogma
You spend every moment of your waking life bitching about

Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah
And I say yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah

Cause I’m proud of my life and the things that I have done
Proud of myself and the loner I’ve become
You’re free to whine, it will not get you far
I do just fine, my car and my guitar
Proud of my life and the things that I have done
Proud of myself and the loner I’ve become
You’re free to whine, it will not get you far
I do just fine, my car and my guitar, yeah

Well let me tell you this,
I am shamelessly self-involved
I spend hours in front of the mirror, making my hair elegantly disheveled
I worry about how this album will sell
Because I believe that it will determine the amount of sex I will have in the future
I self medicate with drugs and alcohol to treat my extreme social anxiety

You are a faker (admit it)
You are a fraud (admit it)
Yeah, you’re living a lie (yeah) living a lie (yeah) you’re life is living a lie
You don’t impress me (admit it)
You don’t intimidate me (admit it)
Why don’t you bow down, get on the ground, walk this fucking plank

Yeah, what do you have to say for yourself
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah
And I say yeah I’m proud of my life and the things that I have done
Proud of myself and the loner I’ve become
You’re free to whine, it will not get you far
I do just fine, my car and my guitar, guitar go!
I'm drift drift drift drifting yeah I'm drift drift drift drifting yeah oh

And I am done with this
I wanna taste the breeze of every great city
My car and my guitar
So you come to me, made of these, urgent unfulfilled
Oh no no no no no
I have when I'm dead I'll rest
But that's away still
When I'm dead I'll rest, I'll rest