Addicted to me.

ah had such a wonderful weekends AWESOME to be honest, utter win and wizardry.
but it also means i am way too tired to talk about it, so i am leaving topic titles which i shall come back to at later dates.

meal on friday night
day with jon
day with Rob.

thats about it.
shall elabourate when i can type without falling asleep on the keyboa\SLDJFH;OAWHROF;\VEWOXNOWEuf'petwhysgo\d/gbmzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzz

okay well carrying on from yesturday.
im sure you're all salavating at the idea of being informed about my weekend.
i'll start with:
Meal on Friday:
it was awesome! totally and utterly! we got into town with Chris, Kit, Beckie McWirter myself Will and Katie (kit was being really horrible to beckie and i told him off seriously, he sulked because he knew i was right but he gave her a hug and she was better, its really not good though, because she is only the way she is because she has no self confidence and she only has no self confidence because she gets the shit ripped out of her and she only gets the shit ripped out of her because of the way she is, she cant help it) anyway, met up with Steve and Andy, gave presents (well, cards. because the presents were non-existant) Steve got really excieted about the Nightwish tickets and Andy (who was hyper aready) squeaked and did a little dance of what i hope was happiness and aprichiation. then on to burgerking because starbucks was full and it was the only place that was warm and non expencive. Kit and i played Will and Katie at Yu-Ghui-Oh and kicked their butts, but that was only because katie was really pre-occupied with her dad who is a fucking psycho bastard! i hate him! on a happier note, WE BUMPED INTO TAHMINA! it was awesome and i realised how much i missed her, i spent ages hugging her and just looking at her really, because well i just did. but i only realised how much untill i'd seen her again. so onwards back to Wills house to dump our bags, watched some of 300 (PIPPA REGAN WANT KISSYWISSY) and then it was time to walk to Pizza Express. got threre and obviously i had to take hand of the group and lead them into the bowls of the restaurant >.<
fuck i had a load more to say but it seems to have disapeared...
what the fuck?
this makes me sad.
ohwell, you dont want to read this shit anyway.
Day With Jon:
next day woke up, Andy was the first to go then chris and i left at 11 together and took the bus to Gloucester. i had to borrow Will's MCR hoodie because Kit had my NMBC one, i'd left it in his bag >.<
what the fuck MORE STUFF MISSING! how is this happening, oh this is NOT hobbycraft!
fuck fuck fuck.
just imagine what happens between meeting Jon and going to see ST Trinians.
it was aweful, utter shit. it relied on pure shock factor to get pittiful laughs and even then it wasnt even that good. it just made me angry. and it had a group of Goths, masquerading as EMOS! it wasnt even the other way round! it tagged them as emos but they were gothic! (but all the steriotypes acted like chavs so it didnt really matter) plus the leading lady (head girl) wasnt strong enough to pull of her character and had to rely on her looking the part. it was just....
ANYWAY.
it was kinda a little bit awkward here and there but only because we were waiting around for the film, and you know how that affects conversation. when we talked we really talked it was nice. then we bumped into my neighbours coming out of the cinema, obviously they though Jon was my boyfriend... it was kinda funny really. oh well. Jon got me a Marylin Manson CD and 'Mars Attacks' for christmas. the CD has Beautiful People on there and MA is okay, but i knew what was going to happen in the end so it kinda ruined it for me.
Day With Rob:
*squeaks and giggles*
okay okay okay, basicly. met him 12:00am outside Wortikas (and he was with Sarah Spencer, a girl from my old school which was so cool, she looked like the grown up version of herself you know what i mean, she just got older her face hadnt changed at all! i squealed alot and danced and hugged) anyway i was wearing that corset/top i bought in Belgum and my cards skirt and my gothcoat, i thought i looked quiet good, but mum though i looked really childish, which made me sad for a bit and made me almost change my mind but then i thought (quiet rightly) what does she know *grins* yeah he looked like a tramp >.< i can never get why he can dress up for crackers in the best metal gear ive seen for ages, and then look like a nerd the next day in a fleece and trainers *shakes head* a fleece i tell you! anyway, i guess its just who he is. he picked up and swung round hugged me which was nice and then he took me by the arm and we began the day. its strange, around him i kinda feel like i can shut up and just let him talk and the conversation will take its corse, i dont feel like i have to perform, or be this extroverted loud girl. he useually has something to talk about, be it 'toy soldiers' as he calls it (war hammer) or how much he hates everything. ahhh he has so much hate its so good, we have a good bitch about alot of things. we talked alot about our families actually, his dad's disabled (his stepfather i presume actually... i think his real dad eiher ran out on him mum, or was an alcoholic and died because he mentioned something about a liver transplant list in one of his rants) but im not sure how much i think wheelchair because it was a car crash that did it. his mum is neurotic aparently *laughs* he said she ruined his life because she used to be a makeup artist for Casualty and so because he knows (through default) about all that sort of thing, he cant ever watch horror movies without thinking 'that bloods the wrong colour for that time of exposiour' or 'it doesnt spurt out of an artery that way' or 'burn wounds dont go like that'. when i said how cool i thought his mum was he replied 'try being a six year old having to answer the door with a latex gun shot in the middle of your forhead' she would practice on him. he said she used to go to gloucester royal casualty when it was raining and take pictures of the crash victims...
i think i picked a good'un.
then we whent to the Angel Chef for chinese, i wasn't impressed, but then when we got in there, the food was suprisingly good! so i ignored the plastic plates and just had a good time. he knew a guy working there which was cool and we chatted to him whilst we waited for our table (which had been booked, i dont know i think thats cool) and then when the waiter came to get us drinks he knoticed my Garra and Lee keychain and was like 'whats that?' i said it was from a cartoon and he goes 'Naruto yes? i have all the books!' of corse i squeeed and Rob said he was happy to have made my day.
then came the real test! it was a serve yourself buffet, FULL of cultural minefields, now i am not bragging in saying i know what to do, but i know that when eating in an oriental restaurant, you DO NOT pick chips and you DO NOT eat with knives and forks, so i followed behind Rob to see what he'd do. anyway he let me pick my bowl and cutlery first and as i whent for the chopsticks he says 'oh thankgod, you can use them can you? finally someone who can eat with chopsticks!' *insert long squee* so after we had a good old bitch about silly people who eat chinese with forks we move onto the food. i stand there thinking if he picks chips im going to cry. he doesnt *phew* and as we sat down he says to me 'im so glad you didnt chose chips' i almost exploded. he'd been testing me on the same things. i told him i would have dumped him right then and there had he chosen chips and he said he understood.
so ensue much eating and laughing and jolity and such. then after the plates have been cleared away he hands me this little box and on opening i find this beautiful necklace. now i knew he was going to get me jewlery, but i could just envision this minimalistic art neuvo piece of shit with a boring sliver of silver and a few studs in it. i dont know what i would have done if it had been like that. but it wasnt. its this really pretty thing, a diamond shape about as big as the pad of your thumb with a big crystal in the middle and little cyrstals in a smaller diamond around it, its silver on a filagree chain and its frilly enough to be gothic (almost victorian), but not enough that its, you know, something i could only wear as a goth, and its just that little bit over the top that it gets sort of knoticed. abit like Rob really. just a bit over the top. i grinned like a stupid person for an age and then said it wouldnt be propour to thank him to the full extent of my gratitude in a public place. he was cool with that.
onto The Golden Compass. the movie theater was packed with small kids, so we had to behave ourselves which was okay, we just held hands and i had my head on his sholder and he had his on my head. the film was okay, not amazing, not dismal, a damn sight better that ST but thats not saying ANYTHING. i think i would have liked it less had i read the book, Rob said it was nothing like it. but Nichole Kidman was good and the girl playing Lyra was alright, nothing special and still very much a child actor.
we got out of the movie with ages to go till my parents came to collect me so Rob suggested we go to his local haunt 'The Pig in the City'. its down past burger star and its awesome! its really empty exept the small collection of bikers and metal heads in the back corner singing really loudly to Queen 'Fat Bottom Girls' which was playing from the 'country juke box' which had (Rob assured me) only one country song on it, the rest was Metalica and Queen. we sat next to the metal heads in a sort of tavernesque room with a pool table in the middle and empty wooden beer barels serving as tables for the people stood up playing pool. we were sat at a table in the corner on a long wooden bench. i had half a pint of Hobb Goblin (ale) which is Robs favourite drink and its quiet passable, considering i dont like beer. Though i had to be careful not to reveal the fact that after a few mouthfuls, the warm tingely feeling was spreading up my legs and everything was becoming that much funnier. i didnt have a second glass.
i met two of his friends Monkey and another guy i cant remember the name of. noone knows why everyone calls him Monkey, they just do. i didnt even get his real name. but he was tall and gangely and really good at pool. aparently he'd spent most of his life around a pool table. so he beat Rob and me at a game. he was really nice sort of quiet not particularly funny, he looked like a goth version of Mousey (matrix obviously). then with half an hour to kill we left just as the band had begun to play and Rob said they did goth nights every first friday of the month. we had to get to the cathederal and Rob said he knew a different way. we walked under the moon through some really beautiful deralict buildings before he realised he was talking bollocks and he had no idea how to get there. but the buildings were amazing. the kind of beautiful that old drain pipes are, crawling up the side of grey flats. we went under a sort of tunnle and Rob started laughing and he told me about the time they played paintball around the buildings.
then we got to Pitt street and all the benches were freezing cold and wet so we had to stand up.
we hadn't kissed propourly all day, it was nice that we had managed that really. we'd esentially just been talking for six hours. so yeah. he smelt so good. of smoke and you know, skin i guess. we kinda got abit carried away and got yelled at by a couple of chavs but you know, they were just jealous :P
he was kinda pushy, but i dont think i minded. its kinda nice to be the female in a relationship for once ¬_¬
i got a bit frustrated because i think he doesnt like biting, so i didnt but then he bite me really hard (i have a mark, my parents are not impressed but fuck 'em, i like it) and i got all confused... i have to look into this. then my dad turned up and he came along to say hi. he shook dads hand which dad liked and then left.
i probably wont be seeing him for ages but i dont mind. he said i can cheet on him as much as i want as long as i dont bring it into the relationship, which i think is great. he also said that the best realtionship he had was one were he and his boyfriend were actually cheating on each other with the same person and none of them knew till months later!
it made me laugh.
i like him alot. i even got some Will feelings when i was around him which was good.
Today:
wow it's christmas eve, didnt see that one coming! i got up and my little sister bounced up to me and was like 'mel its christmas tomorrow!' and i was all like 'WOAH really!?' it doesnt feel like it at all. its strange. but im okay with it, im looking forward to it being over. i really dont like it.
i dont know whats going on in my family right now, its got to the point were i dont think i can remember what it was like when my parents didnt hate each other. this cloud thats decided to rain over the house seems to have tainted everything. i am not looking forward to christmas.
my dad is angry for some unknown reason. as always and i was just angry at him it wasnt fair, the irony of the situation was if i hadnt been the one cleaning the table at time i wouldnt have got shouted at. so i decided i was going to prevoke him. i think this was the first time i have activly decided to do so, and it was so easy. and i just.
i want us to be a happy family again.
but i cant ever remember if we were one?

My Summer of Love (also known as the virgin suicides)

basicly just re-read what i said about the virgin suicides. i dont know why i watched it. i knew it would be exactly the same. but no. oh well in my defence i was bored and had nothing better to do. dear lord it was so shit. okay perhapes not as bad as VS but definatly along the same lines. i even knew what was going to happen.
its VS for the more hardcore psudointerlectuals.
boring boring boring.
jess and i have a more convincing lesbian relationship than that.
*sigh*
it just makes me angry you know. and it wasnt even a bad film its just the fact that it was heralded as 'easily the best film of the year' and it got so many awards for basicly not making a big deal about big deals and cramming as many lingering-on-beautiful-solitary-scenary shots as possible. not to mention the focusing on middle distance eyes flicker to the top left glances from both the girls.

in other news, having great fun in Sheffield. no really i actualy am. spent the day shopping, got a new phone (the samsung j600) its so pretty! and i took a really nice picture of my brother with it and its my background now. we went around alot of goth shops but... im having a bit of an identity crisis here, and i cant really be bothered to go into it in much detail, but i feel like. i dress like i do to go against convention blablabla, but all im doing is just conforming to a different set of conventions. and yes i know wow mel it took you that long to realise. well no, it just didnt bother me. it all seems so fake. so contrived, so easy to be a goth now. just go in the shop with three more of your carbon copie hardcore emo girlfriends (who youve 'kissed' whilst drunk at parties and giggle about it) and buy with your white middle class money a coat that says that you have a desire to go against what society tells you to do.
its just.
it makes me want to cry you know.
but i dont have the energy.
im pulling out.
ive had enough.
fuck goth, fuck it. its nothing. its not anything anymore. like punk its dead. its not coming back and here i am born to the wrong era, pining after the shadow of something that never really existed for me. i need to go back to Camden. i need my booster of genuine to fight off this mass produced bollocks.

got a text from Squiggely today, asking me if i liked shiney sparkely things.
im going to make him a mix CD for christmas. it shall have a song for each of the things we talk about... that doesnt make sence... we talked about music alot on our first date (first getting together outside crackers) so im putting a song on there from every band that we both like.
and the avril lavine girlfriend song (illegaly downloaded of corse, bugger me if im going to give her a PENNY of my money) because well it signifies alot... pfht.

so yeah, this is Melissa, nolonger the happiest goth.
floundering in the turmoil that is realised denial.
remembering the sad expression of disgust she caught on her own face as she walked by a mirror in another un-namable and un-unique conveyor-belt goth store.

The Perfect Partner.

okay, dont read this (ha like thats going to deter you?) but yeah this is the first time ive really sat down and thought, what do i look for in someone else?
well, obviously negating soul mates and stuff like that (my soul mate is going to be a chav i just know it ¬_¬) this seems to be my general formula. (that noone so far has matched up to damn my taste in men, in practice!) i guess my views are just like communism.

in theory they have to be passionate, i mean really passionate about things im passionate about or atleast similar things, so have a strong oppinion on music and/or art 'politics' ethics, the meaning of life etc. basicly understanding that for me one of the most attractive things someone can do is disagree with me and then provide a decent argument to back themselves up. they have to know (or atleast be able to bullshit enough so it seems like it) what they are talking about. im not picky on the looks side at all if the first point is met, however an afinity to black does come in handy. i'd like it if they shared my basic ideals though (like individualism is really really important, as is free speach and a hatred for certain rules and a disregard for social expectations etc (look at me being pretentious). i find 'geeks' REALLY attractive i have no idea why!? *weeps* im not sure if its just a bi-product of the kind of people i tend to talk to but all of my exs have been computer/gaming freaks. uhm, yeah thats kinda it, i want to have a lot of respect for them (which was a problem with Will, its harsh, but true) and its probably not healthy for me but if they scare me its also great. huray for the adrenylin rush.

Mass Produced.

*grins inainly*
i mades it myself!

Non-Conforming Yo Ass!

have decided to try new look, to break away from the conveyor belt gothic look.
though it shall obviously pain me to do so.
however this idea has the feeling of a 'something that i am obsessed with for about three days' feel about it, so just humour me here and you know, go with it.

my new look:

on head: Tartan trilby
hair: Cut shorter and dyed dark green (mum said she'd let me)
face: not too sure what make up? possibly just staying the same or really reall big eyeshadow blusher etc
necklace: hancuff keys *grins*
top: one of my hand made ones with a black mens smart shirt over the top
trousers: black jeans (loose or tight) held up with red braces
shoes: optional :P

mmhhh, i cant see this happening any time in the near future, but i can dream.
and i shall end on this note:
i *heart* my tartan trilby!

Hair Made of Win.

hmmmm.
*sigh* this is certainly not hobbycraft.
the boy with the hair of win is not returning the handi messages.
which makes me feel fail.
and rival cat girl is being annoying with the staying of the offline so i cant even stealy the flippin' addy off of her.
why why why must i be living in this perpetual state of loosing (and loosing of the game also).
stop with the mind thinking!
*sobs*

oh House save me please save me.
sweet sweet Hugh. how i love thee, more than hair-win-boy.

okay that was stupid.
i dont care i needed to get it out and well i am ashamed so i wrote it in pathetic geek teenager speek.
hura.

Pigs Perals'

First draft completed 23:09, 13th of November, 2007.



hura, my back hurts now >.<

a continuation of PP.

this carrys straight on:

I walked on, followed by the melancholy harmony of Evelin’s quiet sobs and Grimiver’s broken groans. Annoyance visited fleetingly my mind as I found my heart uncharacteristically bleeding for them. But only for a second as I wandered aimlessly on down the halls allowing my mind free reign over ever whimsical thought that flirted with my current fancies. I listened to the nothing between my footsteps and watching the dust float fae-like, around the candles. Dancing in the warm currents above and sinking low only to be burnt up in the awaiting and indifferent inferno. You often find that it is when you are walking with no aim that you stumble on you destiny. Such is the infallible irony of life. Or so the literature has told me, and as a result it came as no surprise that rounding the corner casting long shadows in my wake I found the door. There is no question as to the significance of doors. For all the wonders in the world are guarded by them in one form or another. Secrets are kept behind locked doors, happiness through open ones, love and hate are standing waiting for their cue just behind that door, The theatre is kept behind doors.
There have only been two doors in my life. The door that began my first breath and the door leading me to the wings of this stage. And now it had become three.
The door to Casper’s room was the burgundy red of a playful wine when held up to the fading light. The red that congers images of lips and breasts and blood that boils in rage and ecstasy. The dark heavy red of the velvet curtains circling the stage, woven with as much mystery as fabric and as much love as colour. Almost a brown in the tainted light of the passageway but unmistakably red. The door itself was small the panels delicate but plain. the paint flaked at each ridge and edge so the décor itself was framed with the light brown of the tired wood beneath. Small flecks of the paint were peeling off but I didn’t dare touch them. It seemed almost blasphemous to alter even the tiniest part of this entrance. I felt as if I was standing before times greatest creation. The door knob was a dead gold, and could be no longer called a circle so battered was it with use. It reflected the light lazily and half-heartedly back at me the many dips and dents and scratches brought into sharp dark contrast with the dun shine.
I thought of the thousands of hands turning it just that trivial fraction to the left that would allow them enter to a place I had only ever dared to think about dreaming. And because all the world is a stage, and because we are but merry actors, and because there was nothing else I could do but open this door, I did so. It felt warm in my hand and turning it was stiff. The locks mechanical parts were rusted and I heard them slide against each other

Grimiver Gables.

The hallway was cold again as I had no merriment to warm it for me and the torches burnt low in their sockets like guilty eyes. I wandered aimless and surprised to find that each corridor I turned down yielded nothing but empty air and shadows. Not a soul did I encounter in my undestined journey through the wallpapered catacombs and my footsteps were unaccompanied as they dislodged the dust that had settled on the stained floorboards. You could get so easily lost backstage, as you could get so easily lost in a story or a play. Tumbling blindly through the intricate workings of the authors mind and dreams. So it did not worry me that I was. Very much alone.
It stayed like this for a while and I was satisfied with the company of my own musings, trailing my hand along the walls feeling the rips and tears in the worn wallpaper. It had been tattered by the thousands of people like me, running their hands along it absentmindedly, catching their rings on it and destroying it slowly so that now it supported a great streak of grime rubbed deep into its fabric at hand level. The floorboards were knarled and uneven, chipped and wonderful. A varnished pine that had been pounded and battered by the feet of the gods and mortals of this play house.
‘I was told that to die would be an adventure’ a voice snuck round a corner and seeped into my bones. Grimiver Gables followed like a faithful dog or an echo and lurched towards me like a man about to relive himself of his last meal.
‘but now I find it is not’ he lamented and approached ever closer. He was tall but the years has bent him almost double and his spine poked so violently out of his back you felt that with just another move it would burst through the paper thin skin stretched tightly over it and glint in the low lighting, joyous at its release as the old man collapsed beneath it. White hair jutted out in tufts from under his battered top hat as crippled and crocked as its bearer, it had faded with age and now was like his skin, a shadow of its former glory, a dirty grey.
The light was enough to see how dull his eyes were, but it could never have reached into the depths of the deep wrinkles that carved their way about his face in strongly defined lines of laughter and woe in equal measure.
‘It is a pity’ he croaked trailing like I had, and the thousands before me, a single hand along the wallpaper.
‘I loved these walls, I guess it is fitting they should be my prison, if I were acting my character in some great play I might have called it’ he searched for the word.
‘ironic’ he sighed and continued
‘not that it really matters, poor wenches can’t hear me anymore. My words are as my spirit, gone from their world, along with it would seem, the condition of my clothes’ he opened his arms wide revealing filthy garments that were more rags than anything, mere ghosts of expensive finery. A waistcoat inlayed with silver thread that would have been quiet magnificent had the silver not become unravelled and fallen into a threadbare mess, patches of a white shirt that was frayed at the cuffs and moulding a sick grey pocked through were the fine silk was no more than a hole.
‘Dust, that is what I am. Disregarded and unwanted, ignored. Nothing more than a film that protects the unused from false hope, gently lulling them into the acceptance of time. Time that will eventually welcome them into warm archaic arms and crush them in an embrace. I float, unnoticed from place to place a speck, a folly, a nuisance that is swept up and forgotten. That is what has become of me. All my years. My beautiful wife. And all I count for. Oh well, not that I accounted for much in their life. But still ‘tis an awful shame, I had half a bottle of brandy left under my bed. One would have hoped that their god almighty would have let his poor mortals finish off the Bourbon before he relived us of our mortal coils’ he paused
‘wasn’t that a whisky?‘ he came to a stop in front of me and continued with his apathetically sorrowful monologue.
‘If only I could just’ he trailed away and raised his hand. A hand so bent and knurled and wizened with arthritis that it was a claw that hooked in a threatening crescent articulated with swollen knuckles and hanging with loose powdery skin that was cracked with wear and relentless age. As he reached out I almost heard the bones creak in protest at this uninvited movement, joints screaming and squealing as each finger unfurled in a one slow painful action. Until it finally came to a stop when I breathed a sigh of relief for the man, the tips of his fingers brushed my cheek. It felt like leather, smooth but broken in wrinkles and hard with over use, but the flesh was warm and alive.
‘I wish I had not died, I had so much left to do. Who is left to drink if not I?’ he frowned and fresh wrinkles fell into practiced place over weak watering eyes.
‘I joke, but no one laughs, it’s lonely, it’s cold and there is no merriment left on my lips. Why am I still here? Have my feet not filled their quota of steps? Oh what I wouldn’t give to be visited by the sweet taste of my lady again, or the fire of a good wine. Where are my angels to raise me to my own cloud were I can sit and wait for all eternity and spit on the mortal ants as they busy about thinking how very important they are. How robbed am I? it seems god has the last laugh indeed. So for now I shall spit on him’ he looked around for a second, his pupils edging towards the ceiling lit up in guilt.
‘Okay perhaps I was too harsh on you? I take it back?’ he traced a cross over his sunken chest and waited, nothing happened. He sighed and mumbled
‘no, of course not, too much to hope for’
Suddenly his eyes bulged, hugely and luminous in the tired light. Panic stricken as he groped at his neck which hung with slack skin. I had encountered Grimiver many times and come to regard him with a fondness so allowed him to continue his little fantasy. As he fell slowly to his knees in front of me gasping for the air that was so readily available only one name played on his lips. And only in this moment of terror was the truth scared out of him.
‘Evelin, oh Evelin Gables you are the one I miss most’ and with that his eyes closed and a sound of what could really have been his last breath rattled about his hollow chest. I stood there regarding his body crumpled on the floor half propped up by the wall with mild interest but nothing more. Grimiver was a good man, but good men no matter how far they have sunken into the depths of deep depression are still at their souls good men and therefore of nothing more than fleeting interest to me. Casper is not a good man. Suddenly a whirlwind tore down the hall and flung itself onto the still body of Grimiver Gables. Awakening me from my thoughts and buffeting me to the side as it proceeded to issue shrieks and wails at high pitches.
‘Grimiver Grimiver!’ it cried pawing and shaking the limp body.
‘Grimiver Grimiver, wake up I beg of you wake up and come back to me!’ she slapped his face and beat his chest in such a frenzied manor that I was sure she would crush it and his chest having been staved in by his loved one, Grimiver Gables would truly be dead. This effort yielding no fruitful result the woman turned her disparate and enraged attention onto me.
‘You beast, you monster, you devil, you foul contemptuous conceited whelp!’ she screamed, her wide face red and wet with the effort of her tears.
‘How dare you look on in such indifference as my husband dies before your very feet, neih even the gods have not had that pleasure so you little whoreson, will not have it either! I should beat you for your arrogance and your dispassion!’ she finished her speech with an exasperated shriek and thumped Grimiver one last time hitting his sternum straight on.
He awoke with a great gushing of air into his dry crackling lungs and his mouth opened into a comical ’o’ of surprise. A small gasp issued from between cracked lips and he sat up in time to be knocked over once more by his distraught lover.
‘Evelin?’ he managed through her thick sobs.
‘Evelin my darling, why must you cry over me so?’ he looked at her quizzically and stroked her thinning hair in slight bemusement.
‘Why cry as if I were dead?’ he chuckled and his thin shoulders shook and his bones jangled.
‘No such luck I‘m afraid my dear, I am here to stay’ Evelin calmed herself into a wretched sob every now and again wiping her tear stained ruddy cheeks stubbornly with the palm of her hand. Grimiver took her into his arms.
‘what day is it?’ he asked
‘no, more to the point, what time is it? And will the world think me a drunk if I drink at this hour?’ Evelin climbed up using the wall lit up in flickering candle flame as support, her lank hair falling down in front of her worn face.
‘you are a drunk my dear’ she taunted half heartedly, too relived to put any force behind her playful jibes. Grimiver smiled and I half expected dust to trickle from the cracks in his lips.
‘oh yes, I had forgotten about that, well then don’t deprive a man of what he does best, I do believe there is half a bottle of Bourbon under our bed’ he himself got up. It was a spectacle, like watching an old ruin unfurl itself from mossy grounds and grow to if only half its former glory, but still to renovate impossibly some more of its being back to working order.
‘Or was it brandy?’ Grimiver mused over that as Evelin walked at his side, clinging to his arm in those beautiful moments when her husband was inhabiting his right mind. Grimiver was depressed, and his depression had eaten away rotting in the back of his mind for years. It was no ones fault, but that didn’t change anything as it rarely does. The depression had finally driven him mad and he slept in a coma for countless years. He was a relic, as prised as a public statue, forgotten by everyone. Until the day woke up and was dead. He believed he was so, but walked among the living. Evelin, being the strong woman that she was, troublesome but strong no doubt, took to following him around like that lovesick spaniel Helena imitated. Waiting for these moments when he came too. These poor, brief, fragile, wonderful moments. They were breaking her heart. Because inevitably as I watched them walk half way down that dim corridor and his legs buckled from beneath him and a broken yell escaped his lips the depression took hold again. I wandered over as a spectator would follow the sport. Evelin was on her knees, holding his diseased hand as he screamed his sorrows to the world that wasn’t listening.
‘I can feel them, thousands of them, tiny bodies, tiny ruthless bodies burrowing under my dead skin. Eating at my still warm flesh. Writhing there. Feeding off my substance. I am fodder for the worms, the bugs. Hundreds of tiny mouths, hundreds of tiny teeth rendering me but a meal for insects so low they wait for me to die before they feast. I can feel them, oh god, oh please, have mercy, have mercy!’ the last was a broken shrill shriek as he arched his back and flailed brittle limbs and all the time Evelin, ever faithful Evelin, closed her eyes, tried not to listen and thought of the times when he would kiss her with lips as full as their glasses, hold her hand with more than claws and speak to her in a voice that reminded her of spring, not book pages old, rustling and yellowed or cobwebs that have caught nothing more than dust for centuries.
I walked by, I had no curiosity left for this scene and no words to part with and so decided that a parting of company was the wisest course of action. They were both good people with good souls, good uninteresting people.

Look into my eyes.

What do your eyes reveal about you?(PICS!)Updated created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Passion You are very passionate whether that passion is good or evil has yet to be determined. You have great power over others and they seem to flock to your service. You are very competative almost to a fault. Perhaps you should let someone else win for a change? Passion 92% Mysterious 75% Anger 67% Diamond Eyes 50% Eyes full of Pain 25%

00110100100100101

commiecon was cool. no perry. fucked off.
feel like life is slipping away.
too happy right now.
dont trust feelings.
expect it all to come crashig down soon.
cant fight off this feeling.

Does Your Mother Know You Kiss Girls?

okay havent written for fucking ages! because ive been out there living the life i should be sat at home blogging >.< ive actually been really buisy. so i ahve compiled a list of things i want to talk about and i shall tackle them one by one, this first part is titled:
convo with mum:
on our way to cheltenham (so i could get into town) mum and i had the most amazing conversation in the car! i started talking about how Grant is bi, and she has some really strong view on that kind of thing, its been too long to quote her, but yeah she said some really amazing stuff. i also know that she has kissed a few girls, and i actually suspect that she has had lesiban tendancies, you know how people argue something so well that they sort of have to have had experiance on the subject to know that much. she also talked in quiet a bitter way about it... maybe thats just me interpriting it wrong but yeah... hmmmm.
crackers:
had an awesome time at crackers, was a bit nervous at first and a bit aprihensive about seeing Rob again, i kinda felt the same way about him as i did Todd, i know im romantisising it, but its kind of a window to a culture that facinates and excites me. anyway i was SO happy when he came up and gave me a hug and a kiss. i know its horrific, but i mean i know you guys wont see me in any worse a light as you do already, but i was secretly (well nolonger secretly) happy he didnt hug jess. i know thats terrible, but, but. yeah. its silly but i always think that guys like Jess more. so it was like a guilty win. anyway. then whilst we were dancing Ellen tryed to kiss me. i knew it was coming to be honest the moment she asked wether i was bi or not. jess said i was and to be honest im not sure if id have denied it. but anyway i closed my mouth and imidiatly knew jess wouldnt be happy about that, though i guess in the long run i won :p
then i proceeded to brood over the fact that i couldnt get to Rob through the sea of girls surrounding him, dam them i thought dam them all to an existance without razors, but also one far away from here! but i won anyway, cause Rob began to dance with me and during what i think was a panic at the disco song (before Ghost Busters came on) he kissed me and i didnt close my mouth. so really mission acomplished. win. and then the meeting of Perry, oh he is SUCH a cutie! i actaully *heart* him and i cant wait to see him tomorrow, though im a little afraid of introducing him to all my friends. andyway he owes me, jess and i gave him a show! yeah hahaha the upside of having a jealous friend, she put out *grin* i cant belive some people thought we were going out. oh well. i also cant belive Chris didnt knotice us kissing, he was sat like THAT far away from us!
grant:
breaky up time with Grant. not fun, really nervous and guilty though not because i kissed three other people in one night whilst stil technically going out with him. it was really fun doing it, but yeah. i dont know i figured if he didnt physically repulse me, i wouldnt have done it. i didnt do it with Will. yup, unfortunatly Ellen happens to want to go out with him so i think she has told him what i did, and i dont think he's best pleased...
oh well, to be honest i dont care...
im a horrible person.
dads girlfriend:
whilst dad was in one of his drunken adoring revealing moods he confirmed that he did have a girlfriend called Pam, who he met over the internet, and like s alot. i have no problem with it and i look forward to meeting her.
saturday rape:
i had SUCH an amazing day on saturday it was wonderful! i spent the day with Steve, Joe, Will, Kit and Chris, i felt like such a whore, i was the kind of girl that a few months ago i would have hated if i walked past her in the street. oh it felt good. oh i love them all so much! i dont know, but i feel closer to alot more guys than i do girls right now. this probably has something to witht he fact that because they ahve a penis i am prepeared to give them the time of day, or it could be because they are just more interesting. oh well. anyway chris and Will had to leave early so Joe Kit Steve and i sat in the beers. Joe then proceeded to spen the rest of his time with us, picking me up and dipositing me in the flowerbeds, or playing with me, the same way he plays with Frankie which i took as a great great compliment. the Kit and Joe grabbed my scaf and pinned me down by the neck and grasping both arms and legs tight the three of them then tickled me for atleast half an hour in which i screamed and begged and noone batted an eyelid. which scared me a little, because, three guys (from a distance) looked like they were 'attacking' a girl who was screaming... its like the car alarm thing, a car alarm goes off and noone thinks, oh god someones broken into a car call the police, they think oh what an annoying noise. oh well, it was awesome fun! and Kit was left with me at the end and we talked for ages and he lied to his mum so that he could sit with me untill dad came to make sure i didnt actually get raped.
lazy with chris:
i thought i liked chris, i dont anymore but anyway when i did, i found it distressing that he didnt like me back in that way... but to be honest i didnt put any effort into it what so ever which also scares me because it means i have gotten into a state of mind were i assume people will just start liking me in that way if i like them. thich is just silly.
oh Cabaret is on, yey *grins*
i must listen to the White Stripes soon or i may very well die.
Does Your Mother Know You Kiss Girls?: well yeah she does actually, i told her i kissed girls on thursday.
my exact words were: 'well she was right there and i thought meh why not'
she laughed and agreed.
i *heart* my mother

Sarah and Christian.

The two characters from Fluttering love, i adore this picture.
it took me quiet a while and i did get very frustrated with the hand clutching his chest and his mouth, but im really happy with the results.
they were origionally going to be naked but i thought people look through this sketch book and well at the moment its going to be people i dont know because we're at a new school.
besides tartan trousers rock!
i'm really dissapointed with how immature my mum was when she saw this.
the coloured version took me pretty much all day (six hours maybe?)

When did you last see your father?

jesus christ.
okay a recount of the day:
i met up with Cappy-Chan and we were to go and see a film. but before that i was in such a happy mood i dont know why just it was a wonderful day i'd also had an amazing day yesturday and everything seemed great if it had been a disney film little blue bird would have been flying at my sholders as i strode down the dirty gloucester street singing Wheatus to myself loudly enough for passers by to look at me wierdly. then i got on the bus and got off at cheltenham and i decided (because i had an hour to spare) i would walk through the market on my way to Wortikas. it was so beautiful, the kind of intence happiness you can only get when your on your own. just walking through that market with all the colours and sounds cliched as that may be just made me. happy. then a cute stall worker guy gave me a free sample of his curry, it was a new potatoe on a stick and it was hot and yummy and i smiled so hard at him i think i scared him. anyway on my gleeful journey to Wortikas, there were people standing about a huge roll of paper laid out on the ground, an dother people were kneeling down and tracing their feet onto the paper, so in my happy mood i naturally asked what was going on and the really nice lady who was running it told me that you traced your feet and then in the left foot, wrote what the best step of your life so far has been and then in the right foot you had to write what the next big step in your life was going to be. so i found myself a red feltip and drew as the ladt talked to me about my shoes and asked to take some photographs of me in action.
in my left foot i wrote:
the best step i have taken so far was the first step towards my three best friends
and in my right:
the next step i am going to take is the one through the doors of St Martins art colledge.
then off to Wortikas to read.
i read a graphic novel about Kurt Cobains life. i probably would have liked it if it hadn't had been about Nirvana...
because i felt that its so pretentious to assume you know what your writing about when you write about someone elses life. and i mean they couldnt have even asked him for help. considering you know. his current state of health.
then i had the wonderful pleasure of bumping into Tabby and her boyfriend and i took them outside and made them draw their feet too ^^ Tabby is so lovely.
then Cappy-Chan decided to show his great ginger mug ^^
so we walked about holding hands which was nice. jesus! he has such SOFT hands! i mean reall really soft, unbeliveably so! i guess its just a change to Will's huge rough ones. Grant's hands are small and soft, which really reflects who he is i think (well atleast who he is when he is not trying to hit on Jaz) oh and by the by i told Jaz i liked him on friday, because i was in that sort of a mood. he said that knowing that made him smile inside which i think was one of the nicer ways for him to take it.
then off to JJ's and HMV (in which i saw THE MOST AMAZING pair of headphones to have EVER existed!!!!!!1111 and im going to get them as soon as i can, they are big fuck-off ones with skulls on them and the brand name is 'SkullCandy' yey) then to Games workshop (fuck i love it in there, just the, the PURE geekyness of it all!) then to subway huzar! were we sat down waiting for the que to diminish... which it didnt. so we stood in the que for ages. which is when he decided to kiss me. which is strange because i never thought he'd ever have the guts, and in public aswell.
so we ate and then we made the mistake of going to see the film...
oh dear...
i had heard about the film titled 'When Did You Last See Your Father' and though 'oh this looks very good and i have a feeling that it might be quiet similar to how i see my relationship with my father' so off we evian naively go and sit down and kiss some more. his mouth is really small, but he is actually... probably the best kisser out of all of them. which to be honest makes perfect scense. i mean think about it, guys kiss you how they want to be kissed, and girls kiss guys how they want to be kissed. so for the perfect kiss, girls should kiss how they are being kissed and the same with guys. that is why kissing a girl (not that i would have ANY idea what thats like) is so much better, because your kissing and being kissed how you want to be. Grant is BI and extreamly femanin to the point that i am the male in our 'relationship'. so he kisses like a girl.
Grant kissing like a girl = good ^^
ANYWAY sorry you had to read that.
back to the film.
it was beautiful.
too beautiful.
it was just too good.
too acurate.
too close to the skin.
too much like my relationship with my father.
and it just, it just made me realise.
i think, right then in the cinema, sat next to a boy who knows nothing about whats going on 'behind the scenes' as it were and i start to cry.
i think it was the first time it hit home how vunerable he is.
he has started to sit like a child aswell, he curls up on the sofa like one when he is tired and had too much to drink.
you must see the film.
but the ending in which the enevitable happens (i knew it was going to even before i had entered the cinema) and the last voice over of Colin Firth (who i think is a wonderful actor who has quiet a beautiful voice) i am sat there. tears streaming down my face trying, desperatly, desperatly hard not to sob out loud.
grant is crying too, but only the amount that you would expect someone to cry at the film. he looks at me not as if i am mad, but not quiet belivingly, and wipes away the tears on my cheeks with the sleeve of his sweater and i have to pretend that thats made it all better.
we laugh.
i say i have to go to the toilet and fix my makeup (which by the way is leaking slowly but surely down from bloodshot eyes) and enter a cubicle and break down into silent hysterics for a few minutes.
it was probably a mix between the fact that i was so happy earlier, the fact that id just drunk half a can of relentless, the fact that i was really enjoying Grant's company, and the fact that it really was an outstanding film that made me cry so hard.
so i stayed in the toilets for as long as i thought i could get away with, got rid of the black flaking off my face and met up with Cappy-Chan to leave for the beers to say hello to everyone.
i felt exhausted, shaky and weak.
it wasnt very nice.
anyway so we go to the beers and Michelle comes to greet me ^^
which i knew would happen and i also knew that it was liable to make me start crying again. which i did, but only for the duration of time in which my head was hidden against her sholder.
then we sat sort of sat down with everyone for abit and laughed abit. but i felt awkward and didnt really know what to do. i got the feeling that the group didnt nececarily not like Grant, i think they didnt like the fact that he was not part of the group. so i left with my 'flavour of the month' which made me laugh, its almost a twisted compliment. the jealousy. and i appologise Michelle for my comment :P it was just too easy.
then too Montpellier and to hargen dass icecream and to buying a singl teaspoon because Grant has a problem with eating with his fingers. i personaly love to eat with my fingers. as much as i love to drink wine of of mugs. its the same thing really, a calculated careless disregard for surendering to social standards.
we then returned to the group and had some fun...
i kid myself into thinking that it was less awkward.
i have the feeling that Kit was only being such a sulky ass because grant was there, if that is the case then i am really quiet disapointed in him. but to be totaly honest, not entirely suprised.
oh well.
just one thing that pissed me off, Grant tryed to kiss me infront of everyone else. i woulndt even do that if he were part of the group! you just dont do that sort of thing. he however didnt seem to get that and was rather hurt. which annoyed me.
then more of the same Twister was AMAZING fun! oh dear, Andy makes me laugh so much! i love him to bits.
then off home.
to babysit.
hura.
and now i am sat here, and that was my day.

Pixie and Nicholas.

I adore this picture, it took me virtually no time at all considering the detail.

it is of Pixie and Nicholas, who are minor characters but i love them just the same.

Cappy-Chan.

ah the sleep over at Michelles was great, we made cake-cookies which were yummy toasted marshmellows on a candle and watched three films practically back to back! lots of fun, i adore the breakfast club and intend to buy it as soon as possible.
it was a bit sad that i had to leave so fast in the morning but there we go.
met Grant outside wortikas (i couldnt meet him in the beers it felt wrong, because i guess thats were id always meet Will) i was looking forward to it, but feeling a littel guilty about Will, however hes moved onto Katie now so i guess its okay?
we went to see the Born Ultimatum which was amazing! (and yes we did watch all of it ¬_¬) nothing happened.
now i am going upstairs to watch Dogma...
because i now own it ^^
ha!
love xXx

Simon and Garfunkle - Dangling Conversation.

Its a still life water color,
Of a now late afternoon,
As the sun shines through the curtained lace
And shadows wash the room.
And we sit and drink our coffee
Couched in our indifference,
Like shells upon the shore
You can hear the ocean roar
In the dangling conversation
And the superficial sighs,
Are the borders of our lives.

And you read your emily dickinson,
And I my robert frost,
And we note our place with bookmarkers
That measure what weve lost.
Like a poem poorly written
We are verses out of rhythm,
Couplets out of rhyme,
In syncopated time
Lost in the dangling conversation
And the superficial sighs,
Are the borders of our lives.

Yes, we speak of things that matter,
With words that must be said,
Can analysis be worthwhile?
Is the theater really dead?
And how the room is softly faded
And I only kiss your shadow,
I cannot feel your hand,
Youre a stranger now unto me
Lost in the dangling conversation.
And the superficial sighs,
In the borders of our lives.

Pigs Pearls' Update.

‘I had wondered what it would be like to die’ a voice snuck round a corner and seeped into my bones. Grimiver Gables followed his voice like a faithful dog and lurched towards me like a man about to relive himself of his last meal.
‘I never really wanted to die’ he lamented and approached ever closer. He was tall but the years has bent him almost double and his spine poked so violently out of his back you felt that with just another move it would burst through the paper thin skin stretched tightly over it and glint in the low lighting, joyous at its release as the old man collapsed beneath it. White hair jutted out in tufts from under his battered top hat as crippled and crocked as its bearer, it had faded with age and now was like his skin, a shadow of its former glory, a dirty grey.
The light was enough to see how dull his eyes were, but it could never have reached into the depths of the deep wrinkles that carved their way about his face in strongly defined lines of laughter and woe in equal measure.
‘Now I walk alone in the crowds’ he croaked trailing like I had, and the thousands before me, a single hand along the wallpaper.
‘oh how I loved these walls, it was fitting that I would end here and now look at me’ he opened his arms wide revealing filthy clothes that were more rags than anything, mere ghosts of expensive finery. A waistcoat inlayed with silver thread that would have been quiet magnificent had the silver not become unravelled and fallen into a threadbare mess, patches of a white shirt that was frayed at the cuffs and moulding a sick grey pocked through were the fine silk was no more than a hole.
‘Dust, that is what I am, as god had intended all humanity, the perfect state. Disregarded and unwanted, ignored. Nothing more than a film that protects the unused from false hope and gently lulls them into the acceptance of time. Time that will eventually welcome them into warm archaic arms and crush them in an embrace. I float, unnoticed from place to place a speck, a folly, a nuisance that is swept up and forgotten. That is what has become of me. All my years. My beautiful wife. And all I count for. I am dust.’ he came to a stop in front of me and continued with his sorrowful monologue.
‘If only I could just’ he trailed away and raised his hand. A hand so bent and knurled and wizened with arthritis that it was a claw that hooked in a threatening crescent articulated with swollen knuckles and hanging with loose powdery skin that was cracked with wear and relentless age. As he reached out I almost heard the bones creak in protest at this uninvited movement, joints screaming and squealing as each finger unfurled in a one slow painful action. Until it finally came to a stop when I breathed a sigh of relief for the man, the tips of his fingers brushed my cheek. It felt like leather, smooth but broken in wrinkles and hard with over use, but the flesh was warm and alive.
‘I wish I had not died, I had so much left to do, so much left to say. My part was cut before its time like a green shoot to the farmers indifferent scythe, draped in black. Oh the stage has been cruel again. Was my life not to be a comedy? It is a tragedy, though amusing to see that I linger here past my time, so it is a comedy , but a foul one and I have no taste for it. The stage it is my cobra and I like the foolish the charmed musician lent in for the kiss. Oh what a kiss, I felt the venom seep past my lips as real as I feel the clammy grip of death slowly tighten around my throat.’

Joe's Party.

i feel horrible, i have an awful cold and its so painful i feel sluggish and tired and like lead and i just want to go to sleep.
watched some Friends, have decided that of them all i like Rachel the least. shes so boring, and pathetic and whiny and high maintanence i just want to shoot her. Ross deserves better.
the party was amazing.
but im just going to do a breif blog entry because i feel too horrible and manky to do anything more than that.
the events that follow may not be in the right order but meh.
so, 11:30 met Tahmina, so wonderful remembered how much i missed her, so happy that it wasnt awkward at all!
got on bus with sarah williams who talks insainly quietly!
met up with Jaz Andy Steve Mike (¬_¬) and Elerie.
got food sat in beers.
went to meet Tahminas frineds from Pates, Becky, someone else who wasnt particularly memorable and Grant.
Grants amazing.
Will came in for a sec and we went to Subway, it was so nice, we acted exactly the same as we have been doing for weeks (which if anything emphasizes the fact that i was right to break up with him, even if hes fucked deep down, there is nothing i can do?)
Michelle came in and met everyone.
Brogan (looking like a slut) came up and chatted for abit, she was sat with Rob.
couldnt concentrate on anything other than him for about 10 minutes.
ever so slightly ashamed.
Tahminas two girl friends left they were nice though abit timid.
then Tahmina had to go was really sad but promised to see eachother again soon, so glad she had a good time really releved that she hadnt changed etc.
Grant stayed.
at 5 Mike Elerie and Steve had to leave.
the remains played with the idea of going to the cinema, but nothing fitted out criteria.
so Grant and Michelle and i went to Wilkinsons to get caffine as Jaz and Andy made their way back to beers.
Will was at the beers ^^
Andy had to go but would be coming back.
Katie Hannah G Kit and Jess arived 8.
invited Grant to Pizza Hut (it was highly iregular, but to be honest i couldnt care less, he was such fun i didnt really see any reason not to include him?)
went to Pizza Hut ate food generally had a great time.
went back to the beers (now at 9:30) to wait for Joe to come off of work with Frankie.
broke the first rule of Joe's party by getting the police involved when we used a stollen trolley to transport all of our bags to said beers.
sat about looking at stars with Grant and Jaz.
walked Grant to bus stop, sliiiightly awkward but nothing major, really nice hugs and promises to keep in touch etc.
walked back (planned to ambush the group, but Joe rang me as i was creeping up and blew my cover, had to act like i ment to do it)
got on bus with Joe Frankie and co. feeling REALLY tired
bus went uber fast.
got back to Joes house which was amazing.
imidiatly started to drink (white wine in a tea mug, i dont know, when i have my own flat (with Jess obviously i shall not have any wine glasses but tea mugs)
Jaz and I got rather tipsy rather fast.
laughter rose an octave.
after that its abit of a 'blur' however remember being HUGELY amused by a Zebra that looked like a hippo and the fact that Jaz had put a waist paper basket over his head and was claiming to be 'The Wika Man' (to the point were i was cradeling my head in my arms and shrieking)
Jaz began to feel very ill at about 3am
took him up to the bathroom and lent him over the toilet.
proceeded to read him a magasine called 'Camping Life' and about the certain lygistics of buying a suitable tent.
Jess came up.
Andy came up and found us in the shower (obviously turned off)
he looked scared.
about 40 minutes after this Jaz proceeded to hurl up his guts in a torrent of purple vomit (from the red wine).
stayed for a while, fethcing water and such Andy stayed rubbing Jaz's back.
Jaz fell asleep beside the toilet.
i made a bed in the bath and dosed there for abit to make sure he wasnt going to throw up and then choke on his own vomit.
got bored after an hour and came down and got into the sofa bed with Joe.
he was tired but we had a really nice hug (totaly un-sexual)
and then he fell asleep on me.
jaz came down at about 5:30.
got major munchie attack so took a band of my most trusted men (Michelle and Andy) to the 24hour garage 5 minutes down the road and bought Revels.
get back, eat, everyone decideds its probably a good idea to get some sleep at about 6:30.
have fitful uncomfortable sleep, using joe as a pillow.
all arouse at about 8:30.
breakfast.
trickle of people leave untill it is just Michelle Jaz Joe and I.
had a fight with Frankie Joe Jaz and Michelle, highly amusing.
decide to play on the X Box.
Michelle is called away before she can do much damage.
Jaz Joe and I play from 11 to 1 various games from mario to burnout revenge.
lots of fun.
walk to Gloucester.
end.

Timelines.

i feel like a shit.
a stupid fucking little shit.
selfish.
ass.
fuck.
i feel like dirt.
broke up with Will.
right thing to do.
doesnt make it any less hard.

Shameless?

this annoys me!
http://sinned-angel-stock.deviantart.com/art/Shameless-59164579
i draw scrawny ugly naked women with bad hair and celulite and lable THEM shameless and she calls this shameless?
and ofcorse we have the confessions of the drama queen along with it?
i would have been able to swallow this if it had been of her without makeup and showing her whole body, rejoicing in the fact that she was not ashamed of herself.
not this pouty makeup spattered delecate emo pose.
and she is not ugly, she is conventionaly pretty, which means that she CAN show pictures like this and claim to be un ashamed of her body. if she was a huge ugly spotty pig nosed buck toothed monster and stood there in that photo frame hands on hips and beaming, i would have so much respect for her.
but she is not.
fucking hell she even used PHOTOSHOP IN A PICTURE SUPPOSED TO PORTRAY THAT SHE WAS PROUD OF WHO SHE WAS NATURALLY!

perhapes i am being too judgmental?
i dont care.

Monkey Poop.

just a quick one as i havent written anything in a while, ive been buisy alot.
met up with Jonjon which was nice, im always terrified that were going to end up in awkward silence but we never do which is great. bumped into Ryan in starbucks he said hi and i yelled and he laughed and said long time no see and i laughed and ssaid yes and worried about the fact that my heart was going to tear itself from my chest. but it didnt and i got over it in record time and he looked like an asshole so i can safely say that i couldnt give a shit.
drawing Pixie is so much fun, im going to write about her more.
yeah, enough...
bye

What's it like to realise.

i LOVE those lyrics. listened to benfolds songs for silver man for the first time though i bought it like a year ago and i must say its probably my favourite album of his. not because of the songs but because it just works as an album all of the songs fit together perfectly.
last night was horrific, i cant describe it but it was like a huge 'feeling' had decended onto our house and you know how it always gets really stuffy before summer storms, it felt like that sticky and opressive. i went to sleep at 7 just so i could get away from that feeling, i intend to do the same tonight. my dad said that he didnt know why he bothered trying to have a relationship with me because i was just like her. her being my mother. that made me cry a little but not much, the kind of sob twice and then stop crying because there isnt any point in crying, crying.
i woke up and the feeling still hadnt left which was why when i came into school and for about half the day i wallowed in depression. im not calling it self pitty because i dont want to joke about how shit it makes me feels right now, which i guess should be some sort of indication to how horrible i am feeling.
the ALISE tests didnt help at all. do you have ANY idea how depressing those things are. well, of corse you do.
that is why i didnt do it. i sat there for an hour and doodled. fuck them okay. fuck them and the high fucking horse they rode in on. they can go shove their statistics up their puckered little ass holes!
anyway on an ending note, the book fight club in AMAZING! and i bought a manga about zombie fighting lesbians, mainly because of the art, but i find that stories about same sex relationships (as long as its not just an excuse for fan girls to beat off to badly drawn yaoi) is generally more interesting as michelle was saying and i agree with, people who are open about their sexuality tend to be more intellegant.
which makes for better reading.
also, i dont know last night i really really really needed badly badly to talk to Will, just you know, to talk to him. so i texted him saying i wasnt feeling too greta and i needed a hug. he didnt text back. i fell asleep and had a dream about me asking him why he didnt text back and he said he couldnt be bothered. then i woke up and he hadnt texted back. and i really needed to talk to him. and when i got to school, he didnt even mention it. he tryed to hug me and i felt repulsed and involentarily i jurked away and he was for a second left standing there looking like an utter idiot. i think i almost hated him then. but tis okay again i guess.

i dont want to be alone.
i dont want to be alone.
i dont want...
oh.

Paintballing.

Ah! Paintballing was amazing! okay i shall recount the day: woken up at 7am at jess's immediately regret staying up so late, but i had a good time anyway (watched the History Boys (which, Michelle is nothing like the Secret History and i have NO idea what possessed me to say that) ANYWAY! walked to Riverside listening to 'Get Behind Me Satan' best White Stripes album ever! and met all of wills friends! ah they are so funny, one of them will be really good looking in a few years! yes so we set off, Dad wasn’t in a very good mood because mum and him fought before they left, but I knew he'd brighten up when we got there. anyway we got there and i immediately wanted to leave, i just, was tired and didn’t like the people we would be paintballing with and so on so forth. we got our kit on (a big black boiler suit and goggles with helmet) and then a guy came over to put coloured tape on us so people would know who’s team we were on his name was Jon. Jon had long floppy slightly curly dark hair under a beanie, a boyish moustache (VERY wispy) and teeth a little too big to fit in his mouth; he walked with a sort awkward swagger and smiled a lot. So i talked to Jon ^^ it was nice because he was nice. Then we had the safety check (which was a recording BUT the woman actually put emotion into her voice and she was really sarcy saying things like 'if you take your goggles off, you will get shot and you will go blind') and we began to walk into the forest. Last time i went paintballing, i got hurt really badly, so walking through that forest i began to feel scared. Like properly scared, not just nervous. tHis first game was played reds against blues (each teams of twenty) and it was called Fortress. So the blues held the fortress and the reds had to get the 'bomb' (a black gas can thing) into the fort. I took up position in a little window neesh (can’t be asked to spell that) and began shooting. oh it was so cool, head shots didn’t count, which was a fucking good thing because i got shot so many times in the head i had paint running down the INSIDE of my helmet. The reds finally won and we switched over. Oh it was such fun hiding and shooting from behind trees and things and my heart was going and the adrenalin was CORSING through my veins! Anyway, so i (finding that i was actually a pretty good shot) was picking them off like flies and these two other adults were slowly making their way with the bomb but they got shot! So my dad rushed in and grabbed it and i opened fire to cover him and he jumped into the fort and we won! It was a pretty cool feeling covering my dads back, because without me he would have been shot. The next game was Battle Zone and this one was my favourite. It wasn’t because anything especially spectacular happened, it was just really nice and not too nerve wracking but still quiet trying. i made some pretty good shots and picked off a few people, but then i got shot and had to go to the dead zone (this was a capture the flag game) anyway so it was my dad and my brother left and suddenly (having sort of zoned out) there were cries from the people (also 'dead') and i looked up to see a man in a black boiled suit LEGGING it up the field the enemies flag in hand and suddenly everyone in the dead zone is on their feet yelling (if blue) YEAH YEAH GOGOGO RUUUUN! (If red) NONONONONO! HE'S RUNNING SHOOT HIM SHOOT HIM! I realised it was my father streaking down that acre. So the blues won that round as well. The next was the village. This consisted of four huts (log built) in a sort of diamondy square and the objective was to occupy all of these huts. In the blue team there were two other adults in full on kaki gear. dad and i thought they were going to be pretentious assholes, but then one of them was like 'okay group huddle round we have to really work together for this one, we should take the two flanking houses, don’t bother about the one nearest us because if we get the flanking houses the enemy wont be able to get past us' so that was the plan teams of two and charge! I was paired with kaki guy and when the marshal yelled game on we both ran FLAT OUT! To that house it was so much fun! We got there amidst heavy gunfire threw ourselves into the hut and took up positions. then i ran out of ammo, if you run out of paint that’s it your 'dead' and you have to sit the rest of the game out, so kaki guy yells for me to come over to him, and he gives me half of his ammo! Then he says 'we have one more hut, let’s charge it!' so we did and I got into the hut and won the game for us all. After we were traipsing back for lunch he said well done to me and shook my hand, which made me feel really grown up you know. Next was theCastle game. Basically a castle and one team has to stay inside and the other team has to sneak round the back and raise a flag on a flagpole. Unfortunately the flag is 3m away from the fort, the shortest distance you can be shot at without the pellet breaking your skin. So whoever went to raise that flag was going to get shot by at least ten people in the castle at almost point blank range. It seemed impossible but amazingly each time the attacking team managed to raise the flag. when the blues were attacking my dad my brother and I snuck round the side to were the flag was, my dad burst out and pulled it a third of the way up, then he got shot, I dashed out and pulled it another third before getting hit three times (shoulder hip and ass) then my brother ran out and managed to hitch it up to the top before getting shot twice in the groin! Ha, good thing he was wearing protection. Next was speed ball, basically team inhalation, there were sets of barrels each again 3m apart so were ever you were you were at point blank range with the opposition, so you all crowded behind the marshal shouted game on and you all had to dash out as fucking fast as you could to get to a barrel before you were shot to pieces! And to make it even more interesting the marshal would shout every thirty seconds ‘CHANGE BARRLES!’ then you would have to run (again as fast as possible) within ten seconds or you were out.
Okay well its been two days now and my enthusiasm on this matter has dwindled.
Today (Monday) was okay I guess, though its horrible to see that friendship groups have been completely destroyed by the influx of new people. I also find it distressing when I’m around all my old (and to be honest) real friends as well as all the new people (guys included) because I feel that there is a huge difference between who I am when I’m around people I know very well and people who I just know a little bit. So it confuses me. I do act differently around guys than I do girls, I know I do and whether it seems I do or not Is irrelevant. Uhg I don’t know, I think that’s enough for you to have read so far. Oh also began work on a Gaara cosplay outfit, its going to cost me at least £60 to get materials but tis going to be GREAT I can not wait! The only problem I have is what material to make the strap holding the gourd up out of. Finished watchmen amazing.
As Rorschach would say.

i feel very sad at the moment. but not sad, intensily, but sad very quietly. i wish i could help Katie, but there is nothing i can do.
i just.
im going to do a stencil of Marla Singer.
i probably only feel like this because its 'that time of the fucking month'

Mature.

im not sure what to say its been quiet a while, well no it hasnt been a while but alot has happened, and if i had had the computer handy i would have blogged them but now as there have been so many, i cant be bothered. cornwall is great if you ignore the fact that my family is here. mum and dad were arguing again this morning. whilst i was swimming i remembered the time in year 8 or 9 when i broke down in some lesson (i cant remember which one) and jess took me to the toilets and i told her it was because my parents had been arguing and jess said that if it got any worse that we should talk to someone about it. ha, it got worse... no okay thats not really what i wanted to say, i just find it funny that i used to get worried about a small tiff two years back, and now i just deal with that. i guess thats maturity.
i have lots of things to say about canada and about cornwall and about missing jess michelle and will and feeling left out from the big group and about birthdays and about other things but i really really cant be bothered, im quiet tired.
i had the wierdest dream ever well no not ever but it was pretty damm disturbing. however all i can remember of it now (it being quiet a few days back) was that i was walking along with Jaz and i realised that i loved him, and not Will and that i should be going out with Jaz. and i cant seem to shake it off! and now i dont know wether this feeling is just echoes of the dream, or wether the dream just made me realise. the thing is i dont like will any less for all of this, i just like jaz about the same. its really confusing, because i DO like will more but only because i have been with him longer...
oh well what can you do.
perhapes its just the fact that hes going out with Sofa?
also have started pokemon blue haha my charmelion pwns! however i am only catching the pokemon i want to catch, i cant be bothered to cath 'em all. i caught an Abra though, yey! my dad cant understand why im getting back into a game i used to play years ago. oh well.
as i said i have more to say but my lazyness outweights my wish to bore you with more information. so.
i guess maybe this is goodbye or sumsing?

peeling like an orange, coming off in small pieces.

i clicked on new post with a reason, and now i have forgotten what i was about to write.
i havent been feeling too well for the last few days i suddenly get hit with waves of sweat and nausia and my arms go really numb and my legs feel the same and my stomach goes all dull. i think its because im so nervous about this trip to canada. sometimes im okay with i, and im so so excited about seeing Liv, but then i get wracked with guilt for the ticket thing and fear that its going to go all wrong and something terrible is going to happen... and of corse there is always the posibility that we have both changed drasticly, i mean i am not nieve enough to belive that it will be exactly the same, but i would like to think its going to be easy to slip back into our old ways. and there is also the fact that i have been looking forward to it for SUCH a long time that now that its finally here its a bit 'get out of my house'.
i have been emailing Craig lots these past few days which i dont know, it makes me feel good. my dose of Will has made the longing subside and hopefully Canadada shall take my mind off him. i strangely miss Jaz too.
i dont feel particularly sociable, however i am talking to Becky W over msn which is nice. i really like her actually. but holy fuck becky mcwirter!!! she got SO annoyed at me for no reason i just challanged her a few times and then it was fucking claws out!!! which really pisses me off, I LIKE TO BANTER OKAY AND IT SEEMS NO ONE AT THE MOMENT GETS THAT! i am not having a go at your integrity i am simply looking for some form of interlectual stimulation!!!
jon lied to me.
which makes me really sad and disapointed in him. this is how the conversation whent:

Here take this cheese, it is my centeral nervous system. says:
jonjon ^^
Here take this cheese, it is my centeral nervous system. says:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Gap between thinking and typing = Rational and intelligent person. says:
ta, hows melissa?
Here take this cheese, it is my centeral nervous system. says:
okay i think.
hows your birthday been?
Gap between thinking and typing = Rational and intelligent person. says:
pretty good, slight downer in the gf has failed to text/call/email
Here take this cheese, it is my centeral nervous system. says:
its Harry isnt it
Gap between thinking and typing = Rational and intelligent person. says:
haven't we had this convo? and you know it isn't
Here take this cheese, it is my centeral nervous system. says:
you told me you wouldnt lie if i guessed right
Gap between thinking and typing = Rational and intelligent person. says:
true
Here take this cheese, it is my centeral nervous system. says:
i have very good sorces that tell me its harry
Gap between thinking and typing = Rational and intelligent person. says:
oh?
Here take this cheese, it is my centeral nervous system. says:
i just want to know really if you lied or not now, i dont give a shit who it is
Gap between thinking and typing = Rational and intelligent person. says:
ok fine yes i lied
Here take this cheese, it is my centeral nervous system. says:
i thought so

The History Boys.

I didnt think that i was going to like this film, it was recomended by my dad and i had heard some stuff about it. but watching it. oh god. its so good a film i think you my dear Michelle would LOVE. its awkward and clumsy but beautiful at the same time. the dvd cover is wierd, the black white and green minimalist 'look at me i am a cool film' really does not display the film correctly! i wont tell you what its about, well no, its about a group of A-level students trying to get into Oxbridge. but oh. i dont know, im going to buy it.

on another note, no babysitting tonight whcih fucked me off abit because had i known i would have been able to go to Steve's thing which no doubt you are all having great fun at. i am jealous. i am not hiding the fact. i dont like the fact that you guys are with friends whilst im not, but we deal with this dont we. anyway im looking forward to Transformers even though Jaz is not making an apearance. Michelle could you please bring my boots bag as i left it at yours, sorrry. im going to ring you in the morning anyway incase you dont read this.

my back itches. well no my sholder, i have been bitten. my legs are still a mess of purple scabs and redness, but there we go, i wont be doing that again any time soon. i woke up this morning and found that my lips had swollen really badly. which made me laugh, because i guessed (seeing as i hadnt eten anything that would have caused an alergic reaction) it was because i have been over using them.

i best stop being so sexy then ¬_¬

father has wished me to bed. i must say adue.

Truly beautiful, without a reason.

oh how i adore the White Stripes right now, i listened to them almost non stop during camping and i am hooked. i just love their lyrics and the face melting bass in one of their songs (the title eludes me).
im not really in the mood for writing i guess. i am so so so devistated about the fact that i missed getting tickets for taming of the shrew, livvie check your emails if this is new to you.
i just feel so empty and guilty.

on another note, i think. i think i may have lost my virginity, my PHYSICAL virginity. not my sexual one.
i never really listened to the teacher during 'sex-ed' but i vaugley remeber there being involved a sort of a little seal over some form of tube somewere up there in the mass of guttage known as the female reproductive system. anyway yes, i remeber there also being something about the fact that when the seal breaks you are nolonger technicaly a virgin physicaly, be it broken by sexual action or not.
yes i think i broke that with Will today, ither that or i tore something...
yes anyway, hmmm.
it was just a small bit of blood.
it doesnt really matter to me though, because we havent actually HAD sex. so its not the same.

I stole this off Livvie, who stole it off Jess.

1. Do you like anyone? Of course I do! Ah he is so wonderful.
2. Do they know it? I should hope they do, otherwise this may turn out to be quiet problematic.
3. Simple or complicated? The relationship? Simple.

IN - T H E - L A S T - M O N T H - H A V E - Y O U
4. Had sex: …. no
5. Bought something: yup, though I don’t really remember when this month started. Kingdome Hearts vol.2 and a HIM purse.
6. Gotten sick?: nope, fit as a fiddle
7. Been hugged?: yes, in fact I had one this morning.
8. Felt stupid?: I can’t think of a time now, but I’m pretty sure I have.
9. Talked to an ex: yes.
10. Missed someone: *sobs*
11. Failed a test/exam: well, I haven’t knowingly failed all my GCSEs but….
12. Ate cereal: funnily enough I haven’t, I don’t eat cereal anymore.
13. Danced crazy: I don’t dance. Other than the time warp, and that isn’t crazy
14. Gotten your hair cut?: hai
15. Lied: everything I say is a lie.

U N I Q U E
16. Nervous habits? laughing
17. Are you double jointed? yup
18. Can you roll your tongue?: yup
19. Can you raise one eyebrow? Soooort of
20. Can you cross your eyes?: yup
21. Do you make your bed daily?: no… I hardly ever make my bed, well no I don’t make it in the morning I make it in the evening before I get back into it.
22. Do you think you are unique?: I’m a conveyor-belt Goth, of course I’m not.

H A V E - Y O U - E V E R
23. Said "I Love you": yes, but I didn’t mean it.
24. Given money to a homeless person?: all the time ^^
25. Smoked?: yes only once and I WAS FORCED!!!
26. Waited all night for a phone call?: yes.
27. Snuck out?: ha I couldn’t even if I wanted to!
28. Sat and looked at the stars?: Kilve.

M A N N E R S
29. Do you swear/curse?: every dam day
30. Do you ever spit?: .never.
31. You cook your own food? Yeeeeey puss burgers!
32. You do your own chores? I do my own stuff for me, but I don’t do anything else
33. You like beef jerky? NO!
34. You like Pepsi or coke? Coke all the way baby!
35. You're happy with your hair? Hahaha, not right now! It’s sort of been slept on funny, that’s the problem with short hair, it doesn’t do what you tell it to, jess Michelle and kit know about that.
36. You own a dog? *reaches for sausage*
37. You spend your money wisely? Hahahahaha!
38. Do you like to swim?: yeah, I used to, then I got fat >.< and then I got not so fat and haven’t been anyway.
39. When you get bored do you call a friend?: no, I draw/read/veg out in front of TV
40. Are you patient?: no, I can quiet honestly say that I’m not.

D O - Y O U - P R E F E R
41. Flowers or angels?: what kind of a question is that!?
42. Gray or black?: ¬_¬ I’m not even answering that one.
43. Colour or black and white photos?: colour is better I think.
44. Lust or love?: same thing. Okay no I lie, but there are so many different types of each that you’d have to be more specific.
45. Sunrise or sunset?: sunset.
46. M&Ms or Skittles?: M&M’s baby!
47. Rap or rock?: ahahahahaha! Rap ¬_¬
48. Staying up late or waking up early?: that is also an amusing question. Staying up late without any question.
49. Being hot or cold?: cold, hot isn’t very nice, cold you can always hug and get warm!
50. Winter or Autumn: winter, but only if it’s decent winter none of this half assed drizzly cold bollocks
51. left or right?: left, it’s just left
52. Having 10 acquaintances or 2 best friends?: I don’t have any friends. Hehe, 2 best friends. 53. sunshine or rain? Both, I like hiding inside when it’s sunny and dancing when it’s raining. Coz I’m lyk so alternative lolz
54. Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream?: chocolate!!!!!
55. Boys or girls?: what, which ones I’m attracted to? Which ones I prefer, which one am I? well the answer to all of those questions would be both.

Second Rate.... yeah okay thats just it.

im buzzing, adrenylin is shoooting through my veins in that oh so farmiliar way, imshaking so much its hard for me to type without pressing two keys at the same time or forgetting to putthe spaces inbetween the letters. and im disgusted at myself. youd think id be over it. why arnt i over it?its not like anything special happened between us? do i have a fixation with unfinnished buisness? am i fooling myself to think that i am old enough and experianced enough to claim that he fucked me over good? because he did.
and all because he added me on bebo, what is WRONG with me!?
jesus christ, why, am i feeling like this?
i want him out of my life forever!

Mr J Shit.

when your an adult, when you grow up, do you just die and carry on walking around? dead not in the sence that your body ceases to function, but dead in the sence that you dont think and you just dont care anymore.

you know what.
i cant be bothered im too tired to be angry any more.

Juda.

i feel totaly betrayed. totaly and utterly.
i bent over backwards and got into loads of trouble with my mum to organise this thing on friday for katie and kit and now they cant even date, or meet up on friday!
its fucking things like this that makes me just not want to bother!
what the fuck, for fucks sake they tear apart a friendship group for what is now nothing.
i dont belive kit when he says its his parents fault i dont belive him one bit.
jesus chirst. and i bumped into katie in town today with tahmina and she looked really guilty like shed been caught out, and it was really awkward talking to both of them. im so scared that she doesnt like me any more for some reason. ive done so much for her, if she stabs me in the back im going to snap and she is going to fucking wish she'd chosen her friends more carfully.
i mean, i tryed to organise her coming over to mine so many times and shes just out with tahmina like that.
fuck them both.

i hate people i fucking hate them! FUCK YOU! im so frustrated, i want to cry.
i wish id moved to a different school.
i want Will back its been two days of two weeks and i just want a hug.

why the fuck does she have to be so fucking stupid around guys!? i hate the person she is with when shes around other people. its not her and its sickeningly fake. it sickens me it does! fucking emo piece of shit.
go and pick flowers not war see if i give a shit.
i'll burn you along with your pointless sloganed t-shirts.

i cant belive you never knoticed.

at times like this, there is really only Leonard Choen.
Four o'clock in the afternoon
and I didn't feel like very much.
I said to myself, "Where are you golden boy,
where is your famous golden touch?"
I thought you knew where
all of the elephants lie down,
I thought you were the crown prince
of all the wheels in Ivory Town.
Just take a look at your body now,
there's nothing much to save
and a bitter voice in the mirror cries,
"Hey, Prince, you need a shave."
Now if you can manage to get
your trembling fingers to behave,
why don't you try unwrapping
a stainless steel razor blade?
That's right, it's come to this,
yes it's come to this,
and wasn't it a long way down,
wasn't it a strange way down?

There's no hot water
and the cold is running thin.
Well, what do you expect from
the kind of places you've been living in?
Don't drink from that cup,
it's all caked and cracked along the rim.
That's not the electric light, my friend,
that is your vision growing dim.
Cover up your face with soap, there,now you're Santa Claus.
And you've got a gift for anyonewho will give you his applause.
I thought you were a racing man,
ah, but you couldn't take the pace.
That's a funeral in the mirror
and it's stopping at your face.
That's right, it's come to this,
yes it's come to this,and wasn't it a long way down,
ah wasn't it a strange way down?

Once there was a path
and a girl with chestnut hair,
and you passed the summer
spicking all of the berries that grew there;
there were times she was a woman,
oh, there were times she was just a child,
and you held her in the shadows
where the raspberries grow wild.
And you climbed the twilight mountains
and you sang about the view,
and everywhere that you wandered
love seemed to go along with you.
That's a hard one to remember,
yes it makes you clench your fist.
And then the veins stand out like highways,
all along your wrist.
And yes it's come to this,
it's come to this,
and wasn't it a long way down,
wasn't it a strange way down?

You can still find a job,
go out and talk to a friend.
On the back of every magazine
there are those coupons you can send.
Why don't you join the Rosicrucians,
they can give you back your hope,
you can find your love with diagrams
on a plain brown envelope.
But you've used up all your coupons
except the one that seemsto be written on your wrist
along with several thousand dreams.
Now Santa Claus comes forward,
that's a razor in his mit;
and he puts on his dark glasses
and he shows you where to hit;
and then the cameras pan,
the stand in stunt man,
dress rehearsal rag,
it's just the dress rehearsal rag,
you know this dress rehearsal rag,
it's just a dress rehearsal rag.

We Don't?

...hahaha sorry i find this amusing.

the comic is written by a man, obviously.

Virgin Suicides... An old man's fart.

Thank god they all died and ended the movie.
Okay that was mean, though not totally uncalled for. I have been looking forward to seeing this film, having been made to believe from various sources that it was really very good. Having now watched it, I have this to say:
I can see why people say that this film is good. It has all the makings of a 'cult classic' type film and the narration IS very good. However Kirsten Dunst was at the weakest I have ever seen her and none of the other girls HAD any character! So it was up to her to add any intrigue into the movie, which they tried to do, again and again, but there are only so many sideways glanced whispers of a smile directed at the boys from a painfully obvious flirtatious Kirsten I can take. It was good how they portrayed her as a sexually frustrated teenager. But even a blind man could tell that she was not 14. She looked older than the 17 year old, I don’t see why she couldn’t have played the eldest sister, at least then that aspect of the film could have been believable. Unless it was based on a book, then the casting director should be fired. (it is based on a book) Going back to the other girls. I couldn’t even tell them apart they just stood around being mouse-like and looking the same. Did I miss something there? it just didn’t happen, the ending was also a disappointment, though a surprise, not a shock. I wish they had gone more into the girls lives, well no, because they did do that, I wish they had gone more into the girls heads and their thoughts. Doing the film from the boys point of view was interesting but not strong enough of an idea to base the whole film on. the movie certainly had moments of magic when I thought, YES that is good, but those moments were few and far between and dampened down by purposely and pretentiously boring moments and confused ']#]#]#]#]#9999999999999 jasper get off! confused failing attempts a witty comedy. at points it made me smile and giggle like a girl watching any run-of-the-mill rom/com but that was not why I was watching it, if I were looking for cheap entertainment in a fairy tale land I would have watched something else, that didn’t parade under the mask of 'sublimely poetic’ or ‘a subtle, humorous, refreshing look at tragedy and the complexities of growing up‘. This film is in my opinion a film for the masses who view themselves to be deep thinkers, who can then discus how they felt the film reflected real life ‘in a raw and eye opening way‘. it does not, it was about as convincing as Kirsten Dunst's pleas for mercy as her mother burnt all of her rock records 'no mummy please, not Aerosmith'.
it tries to be so many things, and fails all of them. but it wasn’t really even a very ambitious film ether. if I could have said well they tried to do this and they tried to do that but failed. I would have given them some merit for attempting SOMETHING. but it was like being tickled with a feather, just brushing the surface of the subject so lightly that its more annoying than laughable.
very much like an old man's fart.

Having said all that it wasnt a BAD movie, just a disapointment.

the cover says it all, i should have known better.