What's it like to realise.

i LOVE those lyrics. listened to benfolds songs for silver man for the first time though i bought it like a year ago and i must say its probably my favourite album of his. not because of the songs but because it just works as an album all of the songs fit together perfectly.
last night was horrific, i cant describe it but it was like a huge 'feeling' had decended onto our house and you know how it always gets really stuffy before summer storms, it felt like that sticky and opressive. i went to sleep at 7 just so i could get away from that feeling, i intend to do the same tonight. my dad said that he didnt know why he bothered trying to have a relationship with me because i was just like her. her being my mother. that made me cry a little but not much, the kind of sob twice and then stop crying because there isnt any point in crying, crying.
i woke up and the feeling still hadnt left which was why when i came into school and for about half the day i wallowed in depression. im not calling it self pitty because i dont want to joke about how shit it makes me feels right now, which i guess should be some sort of indication to how horrible i am feeling.
the ALISE tests didnt help at all. do you have ANY idea how depressing those things are. well, of corse you do.
that is why i didnt do it. i sat there for an hour and doodled. fuck them okay. fuck them and the high fucking horse they rode in on. they can go shove their statistics up their puckered little ass holes!
anyway on an ending note, the book fight club in AMAZING! and i bought a manga about zombie fighting lesbians, mainly because of the art, but i find that stories about same sex relationships (as long as its not just an excuse for fan girls to beat off to badly drawn yaoi) is generally more interesting as michelle was saying and i agree with, people who are open about their sexuality tend to be more intellegant.
which makes for better reading.
also, i dont know last night i really really really needed badly badly to talk to Will, just you know, to talk to him. so i texted him saying i wasnt feeling too greta and i needed a hug. he didnt text back. i fell asleep and had a dream about me asking him why he didnt text back and he said he couldnt be bothered. then i woke up and he hadnt texted back. and i really needed to talk to him. and when i got to school, he didnt even mention it. he tryed to hug me and i felt repulsed and involentarily i jurked away and he was for a second left standing there looking like an utter idiot. i think i almost hated him then. but tis okay again i guess.

i dont want to be alone.
i dont want to be alone.
i dont want...
oh.