i have both the feeling of great satisfaction and dread at the same time, which is rather interesting, it's the dangerous kind of mood that could swing to either extreme. i had a good day today despite my back hurting LIKE A BITCH! Chris came with me into town and we spent the whole time chatting and just catching up, then we went to Thornton's and he bought me a hot chocolate to say thankyou for the company and said that we hadn't talked for ages and it was nice that we could catch up. he said he understood me not wanting to hang around the kitchen anymore.
I think Kit is why I'm feeling dread, i think I'm over him. how can i ever get over that? i mean, i just don't know what i feel, i tell everyone i don't care, i AM over him. he's SO different i just, fuck he's just always there and i miss him so much. i'm still thinking about him all the dam time. ALL THE TIME. i want to carve him out of my head. if only it were that easy. i want him to notice me, i want him to just be my FUCKING FRIEND! i want him to look at me with something other than apathy in his eyes, ANYTHING! FUCKING ANYTHING. FUCKING. ANYTHING. other than that apathy, not even a cold stare, just, nothing.
i saw him playing with his ear today.
he's still there, some of the small, insecure, sweet little boy is in there. it's managed to survive. i want that, i want it back.
i want to throw my arms around it and drag it back into reality.
...he's such a fuck.
*laughs* i no longer feel satisfied.
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