Old Thoughts.

some old thoughts i had, when the internet was down and i couldnt blog.

12/01/07
It’s been a pretty fucked up evening,
To begin with I had to cook for my siblings as mum was out for parents evening. And I asked my brother to help me lay the table and he just sat there and did nothing, so I then told him if he wasn’t going to help he could fucking make his own dinner and almost threw the bowl of raw scrambled egg at him (I hate the stuff myself) so whilst he was struggling to even find a bloody sauce pan to cook the vile stuff in, Hannah and I ate our tea and then I left him in the kitchen to sort his own lazy self out. It annoyed me so so much and he is SUCH A SULKER! Uhg! I’d much rather we had a shouting match then he just sat there glaring into space!
We also have no Internet, which makes my evening considerably more boring and means that I have a distinct feeling of being cut off from the world. So instead I half-heartedly watched Advent Children, whilst half-heartedly colouring a few pictures. I have restarted Ocean Gypsy; I do LOVE that drawing so much!
After my mother came back from parents evening there was that awkward…
‘okay was it good or was it bad, oh shit.’
But no she sat down and we talked for an hour about everything, an hour with my dad is nothing but I hardly ever talk to my mother properly so this was a much-welcomed event. She told me the usual, but she said that she was much less worried now about my grades then she had been. Also some highly cool things: Mr Hathaway told mother that I could easily be an Oxbridge (its like a highbred, meaning that I could go to either Oxford or Cambridge, i never knew that. but aparently its a common thing :S) student and that I was working at a metal level that far surpassed even A level! That blew me away I mean Mr Hathaway is one of the few teachers I love and respect in the school (Miss Fairhurst and Mrs Cundy being two other examples) and you know, getting a compliment for someone like that just made me so insanely happy I just couldn’t stop grinning like an ass for the next half an hour! Also Mrs Cundy was very complimentary of me.
One thing though that really swung me off kilter (is that the right expression?) was Miss Picthall.
She asked my mother if I was enjoying school? And my mother just sat and blinked because to be honest that’s a bollocks question it’s like saying, ‘do you enjoy living?’
She said that I had become moody and developing ‘problem child’ symptoms.
Which, as miss Manning’s comment did yesterday (well by the time I post this, as the internet is down it shall two days ago) made me what to burst into tears again.
And I still have to work out why. I don’t like it, it has become disturbing. It’s fucked, because yes I enjoy school, I have no choice so I might as well, but there’s something I don’t know. It’s not something I can put into words and something I feel that if I could, I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing so anyway.

Then I got talking with my mother about self-harming and how I thought that it was just a load of hyped up SHIT! Yes you heard me correctly, to all you fucking, weak useless, feeble people out there, who cut because ‘it’s the only way you can feel’ FUCK YOU! Okay, don’t silt your wrists, go SLIT YOUR FUCKING THROATS! You make me sick.
It’s pathetic, and it’s disgusting. Because if you had real problems, you wouldn’t go around with a wristband on, displaying one (shallow) cut poking out, in the vain hope that someone will notice. And if you really had problems you wouldn't say when asked about your so obviously grazed knuckles ‘…oh…I fell’ cue the delicate, deliberate hiding of the hand and the eyes flicker to the top left.
Did it ever occur to you that anyone with real problems, probably never actually cut?
Never fucking advertised it like a huge banner waving over their heads, pity me I’m a cutter. Probably because they are too busy DEALING with the problems, then sitting around feeling sorry for themselves and the problems that they don’t actually have.
Did it not? No?
One day I hope you make a mistake and cut too deep, because only then will you realise that its not worth it and it never was, and I will laugh at you, because by the time your slow little mind have come to that oh so simple conclusion, and it will be too late.
Maybe if the ambulance gets to your pitiable corpse I will pay the driver to crash, or to forget how to read oxygen and feed you carbon monoxide through a tube.
Because you want to die don’t you, because you can’t take it, you can’t take the pain of you sheltered, middle class, snug, white upbringing.
I may never go to heaven but I fucking wish you’d go to hell.

i was very angry. i had a reason to be angry.
i am not as anygry now. but my oppinion still stands. though not as rudely.

today my mother came to talk to me about her counseling. again i saw myself reflected in my father (who to my GREAT suprise has now also agreed to go to a counsiler). he really does love her. again it makes me sad.
i think she is hinting at a divorce, the way she was pussy footing around something i KNEW she wanted to say, in the way you, just know. she talked about how people changed and how society wouldnt allow it and how father was smothering her with love.
which i think is unfair, because he does love her.
finding it hard to sleep again. i actualy fell asleep in tutorial and everyine left without me!!! they fucking left me! so the teacher of the next lesson came in and was like, 'are you okay' and i was like 'WHAT THE FUCK WERE DID EVERYINE GO!!!' and then i spent the rest of the morning in a half waking state. everything felt so soft, even the ground i was walking on and the cold wind.
our class is going to do a spoof of Peter Pan for our school asembely, its our last year why not? its going to be great.
i'll disclose more details later, and as they come along. but at the moment, Peter is gay, and in love with Tiger Billy! (thankyou Helena for that genius) and to 'fly' to neverland they use cocaine, or 'pixie dust' therefore making TinkerBell, a drug dealer. Captin Hook is going to be a gangster, who thinks he is black and there is a secret pirate hand shake. he also has a phobia of cats, and as his entire crew are female that presents quiet a problem (i thought that was highly witty and funny, and still do, work it out yourselves :P) there are a few more small things but i can not be asked to reveal ALL just yet...